Words I Never Said
by Spitfire47
Summary: The girl stepped back with a smile and gave the youth a slight mock of a bow, "Remi." After losing his eye, Carl feels like he's losing his sanity. With assaults coming in from all sides, Carl tries to speak, but a secret is the only thing that remains between him and the only person who is listening. Carl/OC Part I in the Anamnesis Series
1. Chapter 1

A/N: _Take place in the two month span that wasn't shown between S6E09 and S6E10_

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Walking Dead**

* * *

The right side of his brain felt like it was on fire. He tried to reach up and touch it, do something to extinguish the pain. Nothing worked, his limbs weren't moving and the pain still flared in fact it seemed to have grown. Carl let out a low moan as he tried to roll onto his face as if to squish the pain away. Immediately he felt something grab onto him and keep him lying flat on his back.

Words were spoken. At least he thought they were words. Now that Carl thought about it more, he wasn't really sure if they were words, or noises or really anything at all. Maybe it was his imagination, maybe he was dreaming. Or maybe he was going crazy like his father had.

"S…y do…t….w…y."

There it was again!

 _Damn they're loud,_ Carl thought dully. The words continued, one on top of the other as if struggling to grab the boy's attention. _Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!_

Carl let out a low hiss as he felt something slid out of his wrist. It left behind a slight pain behind, but it vanished after words, too bad he couldn't say the same about his migraine. He felt something flutter and he realized it was his left eyelid. It twitched and he woke.

The room was dimly lit to save the boy pain from retina damage. Carl looked around to see the lamp over in the corner and the door closed over. He tried to side glance to the right but saw nothing, his perception didn't allow him to see that far. He had to physically turn his head to look over to see his father staring at him, worry was clearly evident and it seemed that Rick was struggling to say some words but was unable to.

 _What's wrong? It…hurts dad, the right side it's on the right and it hurts so much. God, what's wrong with me? Why can't I see with my right eye?_

Carl slowly got up and Rick helped him gently.

"Just relax," Rick said slowly speaking to his son.

Carl reached up and touched where his right eye should've being but instead the smooth feel of gauze rubbed against his fingers. His heart dropped to his stomach. Carl turned away slightly so his father couldn't see his depressed expression. Then he felt a gentle hand touch his shoulder.

"It's okay, please don't hide it."

Carl didn't say anything. He just rubbed the gauze absent-mindedly trying desperately to remember what happened. But there was nothing, just blank where the memory should've being. Carl continued ignoring his father until the migraine felt like it was going to rip his brain in two. He continued to frustratingly find the memory of how he lost it.

Carl felt something slid down his face and he realized he was crying. He felt his father pull him into a gentle embrace, his arms wrapped protectively around his son.

"There's going to be an adjustment," Rick whispered, trying to be careful with his words. "But we'll get through this."

' _We?' Since when in hell is there a god-damn 'we'?! It's not you who lost the eye!_

Carl bit his lip from shouting at his father. Instead he just settled for his fingernails digging into his palm until he was sure that there was blood.

The father and son stayed like that for a few brief moments until shouts could be heard. They were loud and clashing like a raging ocean. Rising and falling one after the other until no one was making a coherent sentence, just making noise so that they can have the attention.

Rick sighed and gently helped his son back to bed. He pulled the covers up as if to tuck Carl in like a five-year old.

"I'll be back," Rick promised.

He adjusted his holster belt and walked out, quietly closing the door behind him. After a few moments Rick's booming authoritative voice shut everyone up. Then there was nothing, quiet, silence, oblivion.

Carl thought about his father adjusting his holster belt. Wondering what it'd be like to shoot a gun now, his perception would be off a bit no doubt. He touched the gauze again, Carl felt like ripping it off he didn't want it on. It oddly felt itchy to him and Carl reached back to touch the gauze taped at the back of his head.

"Mmm, wouldn't do that if I were you kid."

Carl bolted up in surprise. He looked to see a teenage girl standing at the door. Carl wondered how he never heard the door open and how the girl could be so damn quiet.

"That gauze is the only thing keeping infection and shit out of your eye," the girl explained coming up to the boy's bed.

"What-," Carl cleared his throat, having not used it in over a week. "How did you get in?"

The girl raised her brow as if studying the boy for stupidity.

"The door," she said blankly. "I came in through the door."

Carl couldn't help but roll his eye, he felt a phantom feeling of his right eye rolling as well.

"I mean what are you doing here?"

"Oh that! Yes, your father sent me."

"Why?" the boy asked suspiciously, he'd never seen this girl before in his life.

The girl's skin had a tanned complexion. She wore jeans, a maroon top, and an open button-down grey jacket with a chain around her neck that was tucked underneath her top. The imprint through her top looked like dog-tags, ones that were given out to the military. The girl had wraps on her hands, and her chromic combat boots lightly _thudded_ against the floor when she walked. She had three silver earrings on the top of her left ear lobe and her black hair was done up in a ponytail with it parted in the middle, a bit hung on each side. The most notable were her eyes though, she had heterochromia; the right was bright blue and the left was a bright green.

Carl wasn't even sure if that combination existed. He tried not to look but something about the girl was so attracting and it wasn't just her eyes.

"Why?" the girl repeated, "because he thought you could use company in these trying times. He's going to be a very busy man in a bit."

Carl tried to respond to the young girl's off-putting response.

"W-What's your name?"

The girl stepped back with a smile and gave the youth a slight mock of a bow, "Remi."


	2. Chapter 2

Carl laid awake in the bed. He listened to the voices in the next room, clashing like a stormy ocean as voices struggled to be heard one on top of the other. He rolled over and tried to cancel the noise out but it was near impossible. Frustrated Carl sat upright and clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Don't people have any manners nowadays?"

Carl looked up to see Remi sitting against the wall. She was picking her nails with her switchblade. Then she raised her head as if shouting back at the voices.

"A poor one-eyed boy is trying to sleep!"

"Shh!" Carl hushed. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Letting them know that a little peace and quiet is in order."

"It doesn't matter anyway. Besides what are you still doing here?"

Remi rose and pushed herself off the wall. She pulled the upturned bucket over to the boy's bedside and sat down.

"Gotta protect my only friend don't ya think?"

"Friend? I've never seen you in my life."

Remi clicked her tongue, "rude. Anyway what if I told you I volunteered to look after your sorry ass."

Carl blinked.

"W-what?"

Remi smiled. "That's right, what if I raised my hand like a good girl and said, 'sure Rick, I'll make sure that your son doesn't walk into every wall that comes into his right peripheral.'"

Carl blushed. "If you're going to be like that then you can piss off!"

"Be like what?"

"That, belligerent."

Remi's smile widened. "My, my, who taught that big word? Was it Daryl?"

Carl flashed anger and rolled onto his side hoping that the girl would leave but instead dragged the bucket back against the wall before taking a seat. Remi flicked open her knife and started to pick at her nails again.

"Don't be so bitter kid, you'll be here for a bit I reckon."

Carl glared bitterly. He felt his skin scrunch up where the eye used to be and he groaned rubbing it. It was a mistake as a shot of pain ran through Carl's skull making him clench his teeth. Carl gently set a hand over the gauze, he blinked feeling the sewn mash together temporarily. Even that sent a small wave of pain through the flesh. Not only that but the stitches made the wound itchy, and it took all of Carl's will power not to claw at his own eye to end the pain.

XXXXXX

Later that day Carl's father came in and to the boy it seemed like his father had aged greatly in the few hours he was away. There were circles under his eyes and his skin was pale, his cheekbones were a bit more defined as well indicating lack of food. Carl even noticed the way his father walked was a bit different as if his basic motor skills decided to shut down.

"How are you?" Rick asked.

The boy looked over his father's shoulder expecting to see Remi but she was gone.

"I'm fine…I guess," replied Carl unsure of how to react to his father's lack of health. "What about you?"

Rick shook his head. "Don't worry about me, I just want to make sure you're taken care of."

"What about the others?"

"They're fine as well."

However the boy knew better. With his father's struggling leadership over the Alexandrians it was clear he was losing some of the people's trust and those people could attack.

"There's something else you're not telling me," Carl said angrily. "What is it?"

Rick's expression dropped to worried for a brief second but immediately he regained his composure.

"You don't need to be scared Carl, we're taking care of this."

 _You mean_ you _are taking care of this. What the hell am I doing? Playing patient and nurse for no reason!_

Rick bowed his head. "Please Carl, just…stay here, stay safe."

"Is that why you won't let me leave this damn room?! Because of that stupid reason?!"

"Carl!" the father snapped. His tone shut his son up immediately, Rick let out a small breath. "Just…humour me for a time. Until I ca-…until things get under control."

 _Until_ you _can get things under control, stop taking the piss dad._

"Okay dad," Carl answered instead of the other. The boy had no other choice but to watch his father leave, while his mind chastised him for being such a coward. He knew that his father was trying to get things done in a fair way but in the end Carl would have to watch his father's brutality take complete control at the worst possible times.

Carl watched as the door closed and he leaned back against the wall feeling depressed. He had seen his father flux between the two personalities.

"Wow, that wasn't awkward at all."

Carl's eye snapped open and looked over to see Remi in the exact position she was. However the tip of her blade was etching into the wood floor instead of picking her nails.

"What are you still doing here?" Carl demanded angrily.

Remi raised an eyebrow. "You aren't your father."

"You don't know him."

"Know enough that he's a peculiar man."

"He's not peculiar, he's just…."

"Stressed? Maybe a nice calm walk through the forest will…oh wait."

Carl rose to his feet. "Where were you?"

Remi cocked her head. "What do you mean?"

"When my dad was here, you were just…gone..."

"Thought you'd like some private time with daddy, but from the sounds of it…not exactly a perfect time for lovey-dovey crap huh?"

Carl turned away as a memory of his father spinning his five-year old self through the air flashed. He clenched his fist around the blanket.

"Those times are over."

Remi blinked and then rose slowly, taking her time as she stretched and walked over to the youth. She knelt by his bed and saw through Carl's hardened expression.

"Chin up kid, at least you had those times."

Carl bristled.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Remi smirked. "Of course _I_ do and so do you."

Carl drew the sheet closer, he swallowed and looked away from the girl. He tried to think of killing Walkers, usually that would keep the memories at bay but the assaulted him making Carl flinch. From when his mother hummed him a song when Carl had a nightmare, to when his father took him out on a fishing trip.

But it was all in the past. Now he was in a room recovering from losing his right eye. Carl placed a hand over the gauze pad feeling the heat warm up the stitches which caused the itching to increase.

"Ah dammit!" the boy cried bitterly. Anger dominated his expression. He looked over to see Remi leaned up against the wall sitting like usual. However she wasn't picking her nails with her knife, rather than just staring at him.

"What?" the angered teen demanded.

Remi shrugged. "Just making sure you don't do something stupid."

"Like?"

"Rip open the stitches."

Carl snorted. That's when he realized he had taken off the gauze tape, he slowly started to unravel the gauze wrap until it was off. Then he slowly picked off the gauze pad, he felt it stick to the stitching making him wince as it came off. He turned to Remi who was expressionless.

"How does it look?" the boy asked.

Remi pushed herself off the wall and walked to the bedside. She took the boy's chin gently in her hand tilting it upward so she can see.

"Hmm, still red around the stitching a bit swollen but no leakage."

"Is that normal?" the boy asked not liking the words 'red' and 'swollen' in the same sentence.

Remi shrugged. "I'm not a medic Carl."

Carl sighed, he was about to redo the bandages but the air oddly felt nice against his itchy eye.

"Where are your parents?"

"Came here on my own."

"That's not an answer."

Remi let out a dramatic sigh. "Alright if you must know, my parents were killed during the first evacuation in the city. It went wrong, military guys fucked it up and let in a few hundred of those things."

"So where were you?"

"I didn't get in, was too far back before the gates were closed."

Carl usually didn't have any trouble listening to things like that, he didn't really care anyway as the stories ended up being like the other. People die, big whoop, what else is new in the world of hell? However listening to Remi it sounded bad, like one of the worst he's ever heard.

"Don't be so depressed, there are plenty of me out there waiting to pour their heart out to an injured moron on a bed."

Despite himself Carl let out a short snort. He went back to rubbing the gauze to try to relieve the itch when he heard the door open he looked back to Remi who gave him a playful wink.

"You hungry?" Carol asked setting the tray down. She saw the badly done up gauze wrap and saw the pad on a lopsided angle. "Oh my god what happened?"

Carl didn't respond. Turns out he didn't have to as the mother re-did his bandages covering up the sewn eye.

"Why did you take it off?" Carol asked re-taping the end of the wrap.

"It's itchy," the boy replied pathetically.

It didn't really impress the woman but she decided to let it go. After the job was done, Carol passed the bowl to the boy.

"It's best if you eat this, it'll help you regain some energy. You hungry?"

Carl shrugged, his stomach hadn't bothered him. However with their dwindling supplies Carl knew that he needed to eat it, nothing was going to waste. To make the mother feel better, Carl ate a couple bites of the thick stew but it rolled in his stomach making him feel like he was going to puke.

"Are you alright?" Carol asked kneeling down.

"I-I'm fine," replied the teen, he had a bit of a coughing fit before repeating, "I'm fine. Just…went down the wrong way."

Carol frowned. "You want me to get you some water?"

Carl shook his head. "I'm okay, really. How's my dad?"

He decided to change the topic to something more important. It worked but from the solemn expression on the mother's face it was clear that it still wasn't going too well.

"What's going on? Tell me!"

Carol went to speak but immediately clammed up. The teen frowned showing his anger at her.

"Carl please it's not easy-."

"The hell it's not!" Carl suddenly shouted. "That's why my dad needs me!"

"You dad wants you to be safe, besides he's-."

"I'm fine, he doesn't need to worry."

Carol sighed. "You know your father Carl, he just wants to make sure that you and Judith are both safe."

"He needs my help."

"You've being out for the past week, you're still not up to pa-."

"Fuck that!"

Carol gapped at the boy who had a slight snarl on his face. He went to look away when the mother grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. The snarl remained in fact Carol was sure that it had grown. She searched for any emotional breaks but saw none.

"What's wrong with you?" Carol whispered admonished.

Carl wretched his chin out of her grip and turned back to the wall. She waited for a response but none came and Carol realized she was never going to get one. An impregnable silence lingered between the two and Carol finally took her leave.

When the door closed, Carl felt the tension in his body release. He looked down at his hands to see them balled into tight fists, he didn't remember curling them. Carl closed his eyes and leaned back against the head board, he craned his neck around to look out the window. Through the slits in the blinds he saw a figure talking to his father in the distance. Another body joined them and Carl knew that it was Carol no doubt off to tell his father about him saying the 'f' word.

"Well if you didn't want her to tell, you shouldn't have said it."

Carl looked over to see Remi leaned against the wall with her arms folded over her breast. He felt himself getting angry again.

"Why are you here?"

"What if I said, I felt sorry for your pouty, whinny ass?"

Carl bristled.

"You have everything here kid, people to protect you, supplies to keep you going. What more can you want?"

Carl didn't say anything, he didn't feel the need to explain himself to the cocky girl. Remi walked over and sat down at the foot of the teen's bed.

"See there's this asshat out there, goes by the name Negan. Turns out he's crazy, but then again who isn't. But that not all turns out he's quite smart too, cunning and strategic enough to have bullied the people around here even before you guys came sauntering in."

"How do you know all this?" Carl asked.

"I listen, I pay attention to the hints people are giving. Things that they say through walls."

"You eavesdrop."

Remi shrugged. "Sure let's call it that."

Carl leaned back against the headboard, his mind wrapping around what he was just told. Sure the guy was smart but he was bound to mess up at some point. He had too, the Governor did. Carl looked around.

He saw his hat, some spare clothes, a box of bandages and a pill box. However there was one thing definitely missing in the picture.

"Where's my gun?"

"Now he asks the important questions," Remi muttered.

"Where is it?" Carl demanded angrily.

"You're answering your own question there guy."

"My dad has it."

Carl lifted the covers off him. He tried to rise to his feet but his body wouldn't co-operate with him. After a couple tries he managed to get to his feet and take a step. Carl was extremely weak especially after very little sustenance from the week he was out. With a groan Carl managed a few more steps before collapsing due to weakness.

"Do you want help?" Remi asked kneeling down to Carl's level.

"Piss off!" the boy pushed through gritted teeth.

"Mmm, nice way of thanking someone who told you what no one else had the nuts to do."

Carl managed to get to his feet with the help of the wall. Just as he was about to reach for the doorknob, the door opened and Rick was surprised to see Carl up on his feet.

"Hi Rick," the girl greeted.

The leader ignored the girl. "What are you doing?"

"I-I need my gun," Carl responded, his breathing was slightly heavy.

Remi looked from the bed to the doorway seeing how much exertion the boy was displaying.

"Yeah, you're getting to Hilltop in no time," Remi commented from the sidelines.

"Carl that's enough," Rick said sternly. "Get back into bed."

"I've being resting for a full week now!" the teen argued.

"You're still healing the bullet had passed right through Carl! Do you understand that?!"

"I-I'm fine."

"You can't even walk from the bed to the door without losing breath!"

"Shut up!"

Rick grabbed his son and carried him bridal-style to the bed. Carl started to argue but each of his statements was ignored by his father. Rick laid his son gently on the bed and picked up the covers.

"Wait!" Carl shouted, "what are you going to do about Negan? About the others?"

Rick's expression dropped to surprise. "Wh-where did you hear that?"

Carl looked over to Remi, she placed a finger to her lips.

"I…I heard hints people say…through the wall."

Rick raised an eyebrow. "You mean you were eavesdropping."

Pause – "something like that."

Rick sighed and drew the covers on Carl. He looked over to see the food was left untouched.

"Why haven't you eaten yet?"

"Not hungry," Carl answered.

Rick sighed. "Eat up, now."

Carl rolled his eyes but picked up the plate from the table and started to eat just to appease his dad. After watching his son take a few mouthfuls, Rick got up to leave. He looked over at Remi who nodded and turned back to the youth. Just as Rick was about to leave he turned back to Carl.

"I don't want to hear you saying things like what you said to Carol ever again."

Carl was about to counter saying that he didn't mean to say 'fuck' towards Carol just to her idea. Remi then appeared at Carl's side and shook her head. With a heavy heart the teen watched as his father left and closed the door behind him.

"That was a close one," Remi sighed. "You really gotta think more before you speak. Oh and yes, saying 'fuck' to her idea is technically saying 'fuck' to her."

Carl glared at Remi wondering how she knew but the girl nodded to the boy.

"It was written all over your face kid, I'm pretty sure daddy saw it too."

"I didn't mean anything by it."

"Still, you gotta have manners around a lady kid."

Carl huffed and turned back to the food. But as every passing second he looked at it, Carl grew less and less hungry. He spooned some stew and just stared at it. Remi watched the boy then started back at the scooped food.

"Well I sure hope it doesn't become sentient."

Carl let the food plop back down into the bowl and set it on the table. He just couldn't eat and after his small argument with his father, Carl felt like he couldn't do anything.

"You gonna eat that?" asked Remi nodding to the plate.

He handed it over and Remi took it with a thanks. Carl watched as she dug in ravenously.

"When was the last time you ate?" Carl asked watching the girl

Remi shrugged, "'bout five days ago. Being drinking water to try and trick my system into thinking I was eating and shit, was going so well until day three."

Carl blinked in surprise. "Wait, my dad didn't get you anything."

Remi shrugged again. Then Carl's surprise fell and he gave Remi a slight glare.

"Does my dad even know you're here? Does anybody?"

"Sure they do," Remi answered taking another bite.

"When did you get in?"

"A week ago."

"A week ago, and you've only eaten once." It was clear the boy didn't believe one word Remi was saying. However it made no difference to the girl.

"Believe me or not, still eating _your_ food."

Carl sighed and looked over at the door. He wondered where his father was, who he was talking too and what they were talking about. His mind was drifting in and out of focus it felt like a fog was gathering in the boy's mind. Carl rubbed a hand over his face careful not to hit the gauze and rip it off.

"Get some sleep Carl," Remi whispered.

Carl slid into the bed resting his head on the pillow. He looked over to see Remi resuming her position on the wall. He gave a slight yawn and stretched underneath the covers.

"You going to sleep?" he asked looking at Remi.

The girl shook her head, "I'm an insomniac, always have being."

"That must be terrible."

Remi nodded, "pain in the ass that's for sure."

"When was the last time you slept?"

Remi shrugged, "three months or so."

Carl looked at her incredulously.

"I'm serious," the girl said, "but enough about that, story time is over kid – get some sleep."

He let out a small sigh and turned over with his back turned to Remi. Carl felt bad for her, three months without proper rest but she looked well fine. Carl found himself oddly fascinated with this girl despite her annoyances at times. He felt his eyes start to droop and decided not to fight it anymore. He slept.


	3. Chapter 3

Carl woke the next morning early. He rubbed the grit out of his eyes, only seconds later when his brain reminded him that right eye wasn't there anymore, it was too late.

" _Argh!_ " the teen hissed as he felt the stitches pulled painfully. He wanted desperately to rub the pain away but he knew that would just damage the stitching, if it wasn't torn already. Angrily Carl ripped off the bandages and threw it on the ground. He reached up and touched the stitching feeling something leak between his fingers, he pulled the digits away and saw clear fluid.

Carl looked over half expecting Remi to be there, however he was surprised to see she was gone. The boy pulled over the curtain and looked out the window to see a couple figures out there but too far to figure out who they were. With a heavy heart, Carl let the curtain drop and he turned back to the door to see it was still closed. He started to wonder if anyone came in to see him during the night or if Remi just gave them a report and that was it.

Using the wall as a guide, Carl took small tentative steps towards the bathroom. He felt like a snail would be faster than he was but he was surprised as how different everything felt with his usual peripheral vision now cut in half. Carl made the turn to the bathroom and felt his head collide with the wall.

"Dammit!" the teen hissed under his breath as he slapped his open palm against the wall in anger. He waited a few moments to catch his breath and to see if anyone heard the bumping. No one came and Carl wrenched open the door and walked in.

Carl looked over to the mirror mounted on the wall. It was a bit smudged and dirty due to lack of cleaning but Carl didn't mind – perhaps he thought it was best. The teen undid the bandages and studied the sewn eye, to his luck blood wasn't visibly, but some stitching looked broken or at least torn with the accompaniment of a sort of filmy crust was already hardened underneath where he had accidentally rubbed it. There were also slight red marks around the eye from where he hit the wall. Carl gingerly touched it and winced slightly at the accompanying pain.

Moving a couple steps to the left, Carl pulled down his pants and underwear.

 _Where is she?_ Carl thought, he half expected Remi to be here by now. _Maybe she's out with the others. At least she can leave._

Carl let out a small sigh, he took aim and went. He felt glad that he was able to go the bathroom by himself to say the least.

As the last trickle dropped, Carl turned to see Remi in the bathroom with him. His jaw dropped.

"'sup?"

"…uh…hu..." Carl sputtered as he stared dumbly at the girl.

"What? You need help zipping up your fly because of your off-balanced perception?"

Carl looked down to see his member still out in the open for the two to see. He felt a deep blush rise in his cheeks and heating the tips of his ears as he hurriedly pulled up his pants.

"No!" the boy snapped back as he zipped up his pants as if to prove a point.

"Hmm," the teenage girl responded unimpressed. Her arms were folded and she was leaned up against the wall, the door was closed.

"What?!" Carl demanded, however his voice pitched slightly with embarrassment.

"Wondered where you went off to," responded Remi with a shrug.

"I was obviously going to go back to the room."

"Sure…knowing you, you probably would've skipped off somewhere without telling anyone."

"And go where?"

Remi shrugged again, "sure as hell wouldn't be chasing skirts."

Carl blushed again and walked over to the filled sink. He placed his hands in the cold water and rubbed them together. He looked up in the mirror to see Remi watching him, he narrowed his left eye to show his anger towards her.

"Still angry I didn't tell you?"

Carl didn't respond and started to dry his hands.

"It's not all that bad to be honest, you still look decent enough."

"I don't care about that!"

"Why? Because the only other person around here your age is me? Fine I saw it, surprise! It's a penis."

Carl opened his mouth ready to speak but then closed it quickly. He fumbled for the door knob and opened it surprised to see Glenn standing there.

"Are you alright?" the man asked.

"Yes!" the response came out faster than Carl wanted. It made him sound desperate and pleading.

Glenn caught on no problem and raised an eyebrow.

"Should I get you-."

"No…no I don't need my dad, I'm fine, seriously."

Carl walked back to the room, he was about to walk in when he felt something rush to his head. The teen swallowed feeling something heavy slid down his throat.

"Carl…," the voice was distant.

"I'm…I'm…."

He looked back excepting to see Remi there, coming to his rescue no doubt. Carl didn't care if he'd have to endure through her numerous playful bouts so long as she just helped. Oddly enough Remi wasn't there, but Glenn sure was. The Korean's mouth something but Carl didn't catch it, he blinked confused by what he was saying. Carl opened his mouth ready to speak when the darkness edging his vision closed in too fast for the teen to react and he blacked out.

XXXXXX

" _Hold it…like that…now…ready?"_

 _Ten year-old Carl stared intently at the empty soup can, as if he wanted to telepathically knock it down rather than shoot it. The gun felt heavy in his small hands but his brain was too busy trying to listen to Shane's instructions as his heart pulsed heavy adrenaline all through his body. Carl didn't even feel the weight._

" _You have to be calm Carl," Shane instructed patiently._

 _The boy nodded. He re-gripped the gun and was prepared to shoot when something in his body just shut down. Carl let the gun drop._

" _Whoa…okay let's…take it one step at a time then." Shane picked up the gun and placed it back in the holster. He looked at the boy who looked ready to puke. "Carl…?"_

" _I'm fine."_

" _Let's sit for a sec."_

 _Carl nodded feeling a bit uneasy on his feet. The two sat down underneath a large tree using the thick reaching branches to their advantage to get out of the glaring sun._

" _You had a good posture and your grip looked firm," Shane commented taking a water bottle out of his bag. He held it out for Carl but the boy shook his head. The man showed his disproval. "It's always good to stay hydrated, especially in this heat."_

 _Not wanting to disappoint his friend Carl took the bottle and drank a bit. He handed it back and watched Shane put it back in his bag. The bag had the police station's logo on the front. Carl stared at it with a heavy heart, he felt his eyes well but he forced himself not to cry, especially not in front of Shane. The man was so brave and had great standing in the group._

" _I know you miss him."_

 _Carl looked up at the man with slight surprise. Shane gave the boy a comforting look and wrapped a strong arm around Carl's shoulders._

" _It's okay," said the man comforting the grieving boy as he lost his battle to keep the tears at bay. "I miss him too."_

" _I…I jus-…." Carl was unable to finish his sentence as the breath choked in his throat._

" _But you have to be brave now," Shane continued, "you have to be strong for your mother. She's going to need your help and your courage will help her."_

 _The boy gave a nod knowing the man's words to be true._

" _And it's not just for her, or me, or anyone else in the camp. Most importantly, it's for yourself."_

 _Carl lowered his eyes, he wasn't sure if he was able to be courageous for himself. He was scared beyond words when it all started and was still scared beyond words, possibly even more so now than before._

" _Can you do it?" asked Shane patiently. "Can you be courageous for yourself?"_

 _The boy drew in a breath. He closed his eyes and then opened them hoping for a feeling of confidence rush through him like it was supposed to. There was nothing._

" _Yes."_

XXXXXX

Carl's eye flashed open he felt the eyelid on his right pull open but then relax as it realized it was going nowhere. He let out a sigh, wondering if he was ever going to get used to the feeling.

"Good things accidents happen close to home right?"

Carl looked over to see Remi sitting up against the wall, her knife carving lightly into the floorboards again. Rick was sitting right by his bedside.

"How are you doing?" asked his father.

"Fine," Carl managed.

"You blacked out when you came out of the bathroom."

"I…I remember…a little."

"Glenn was there."

"Yeah…."

Rick looked at his son, there was worry in his face. Despite the on goings around the town, Rick was no fool to his son's changing behaviour. He was able to pick up the slightest details when he was talking to his son. Rick knew that Carl would try to hide the emotional breaks and changes when talking (or in most recent cases arguing). Rick knew that Carl was worried about their situation, with the remaining Alexandrians and now Negan and Hilltop. How Carl found out about them, Rick will never know. However Carl was hiding his worry behind anger and thick bravado, which twisted with his growing morals.

"Try and get some rest," Rick said forcing himself out of thought.

"I'm fine."

"I believe that's what you said before you passed out."

Carl scowled.

"Look I know that you don't like being confined to your room but please this is for the best." Rick took out a small compact mirror and held it up so Carl could see his reflection. The teen scowled at the small reflection. He felt his father undo his bandages and let the wraps fall, then Carl saw what his father wanted to show him.

Underneath the sewn eye was a dark semi-circle, indicating a black eye.

"When you ran into the wall," said Rick. "As far as I know there isn't any internal damage, but some of the stitching had broken."

"Other than that it's fine right?"

Rick eyed Carl carefully, he was pretty sure what his son was going to ask next.

"When can I have my gun back?"

The leader sighed. "Don't worry about that now."

"I know we're low on people and we can't trust the Alexandrians."

"We've being holding our own so far," replied Rick, he allowed a hint of anger push into his words showing his son the losing conversation should he continue.

"What about Hilltop?"

Rick didn't say anything. No one said anything for a couple beats.

"How's the pain?" Rick tried.

"It's fine," the teen responded begrudgingly.

"What about company? I can have someone come in…Maggie, Carol…Daryl even if you want."

Carl knew that his father named the hunter as a bribe to get him to be open. The boy hesitated, perhaps a change from Remi would do. He looked over to see her give a playful wink. Carl wondered why she was being so quiet, maybe not to anger her new leader.

"Carl?"

"I-I'm fine with Remi."

Rick raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"Remi…she's being with me for a couple days now."

The father gave a small swallow and Carl's face slowly became confused.

"Carl there is no Remi."

"Wh-…No…she's being in here for about four days now. Carol saw her too."

Rick let out a slight breath. He adjusted himself in the seat and cleared his throat.

"Carl…we don't have anyone by that name, we haven't received any new people for the past two weeks."

Carl looked over his father's shoulder to see Remi was gone, he looked over at the doorway to see her in the corner. The knife back in her belt but a dark expression crossed her face. The play of the shadows in the corner seemed to almost menace her features making her slightly terrifying. The boy opened his mouth ready to speak again but then decided to close it before anything else came out.

"Carl…."

The teen slapped the mirror back in his father's hand and turned over onto his side.

"Plea-."

"Can I have some time alone?"

Rick gave his son a worried look, he laid a comforting hand on his shoulder but his son violently shook it off.

The leader remembered the times in the prison, the voices, his dead wife and how she tricked him out of the prison for the Governor to attack.

With a heavy heart Rick rose to his feet and clear his throat.

"I'll…ah get someone to bring in some food later."

Carl didn't reply, he didn't even move. Rick took his leave closing the door gently behind him.

Carl waited a couple minutes, he hoped for sleep. He hoped for something to come back and knock him unconscious again but it didn't work that way – it never did.

"That wasn't too awkward," Remi said sardonically.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Carl snapped turning over to see her come up to his bedside. "Why didn't you speak up?"

Remi sat down on the upturned bucket .

"You don't understand Carl."

"Like hell I don't! Tell me who you are and what you are _actually_ here for and don't you dare _fucking lie_!"

Remi saw the anger in the boy's eyes. His father had called him a liar without actually saying the word, but now the father was definitely thinking his son was going crazy.

"My name is Remi…and I've being here for a week."

"You haven't eaten since you got here," Carl reminded. "I bet no one even knows you're here, no one even knows you fucking exist!"

"You do."

The teen faltered.

"You know I'm here," said Remi, "you know I exist."

"My dad knows you now."

"Ah, he knows my name."

"I can tell him that you snuck in. I can tell him everything."

Remi raised an eyebrow, "how can you do that when you don't know anything?"

Carl faltered. He took in a breath and looked out the window, seeing his father march off in the distance. He turned back to Remi who held a rather solemn expression than her usual playful one.

"What do you mean I don't know anything?" the boy asked.

"You really think I'd end up pouring out my heart and soul to a complete stranger?" asked Remi who gave the boy a fake surprised expression. "Being crippled doesn't give you any brownie points to knowing everything."

"I'm not crippled!"

"You got the black eye from a fucking wall on the way to the bathroom! Not exactly in the book of 'Things-to-do-in-the-Apocalypse.'"

Carl blushed remembering the mornings' events all too well.

"Never encountered a boy who left the door open when he goes piss."

"I'm not a boy."

"You're missing the main message."

Carl scowled at the teen who didn't respond. He looked back out the window to see Maggie and Glenn getting into a vehicle with Abraham, he was wondering where they were going. He looked around to see Sasha standing guard with a couple other Alexandrians.

"If I tell my dad what would you do?"

"Tell him what?"

"That you snuck in and that you're stealing from them."

Remi's eyes went wide but the play on her lips suggested otherwise, taking Carl's threat as a joshing matter.

"Stealing? Stealing what exactly boy? Food? Can't be, I haven't eaten in a week not before the food which _you_ offered – thanks for that. Guns? No, I'm not battle material not like your father who likes to change in head first. Shelter? Give me a break. I don't think sticking to one room is so much as stealing unless I conquered the entire place."

Carl looked at Remi hard, he was wondering what her angle was, why she was actually here. She knew about Negan and Hilltop, was that it? Was she a spy? Carl straightened himself up, as if he were going to fight the girl.

"I'm not a spy boy," Remi waved dismissively. "Stop getting your panties in a bunch about it."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I can help."

"Then go talk to my dad."

"I'm not here to help him, I'm here to help you."

Carl started to grow angry again. "With what? You can't help me, you didn't even defend me! All you can do is watch as I lay my days away on this fucking bed!"

A silence lingered between them. Carl on the bed with his fists clenched tight around the covers until his knuckles were pearl white. Remi still sitting at the foot of his bedside with her knife burrowing a tiny hole into the wood, she could hear his laboured breathing from where she was sitting.

"You done with your pity party yet?"

Carl looked at Remi incredulously, he saw how her eyes quickly hardened and the expression became dark much like the one when the teen was talking to his father. To his luck there were no shadows around his bed so the expression wasn't twisted but it didn't make it any better.

"I'm not a thief, and I'm sure as hell not a fucking spy.'

'Now the way I see it boy you have two choice, you can either toughen up and win your own fights or you can wither away and let other people fight your battles for you."

Carl was about to shout back at the girl, but instead something in his mind stopped him. He let out a slight breath, feeling the anger release. Remi was right, he could either continue to pity himself or do something. But what could he do from a bed? He took another peak outside the window and saw no one this time.

"Healing takes time," Remi understood, "but what you do after that makes the most difference."

She got up and left.

Carl was still quiet when the teen left.

He reached up and touched the gauze. He was thinking about how he'd have to adjust his body to the gun now. Carl thought about asking someone to help his readjust, Sasha or Abraham. He wanted someone low-key, who'd be able to keep it a secret from his father at least until Carl was able to properly get a handle on things. He didn't want to go to his group members because Carl knew that as soon as it would come from his mouth, his father would know ten seconds later.

Carl then started to back track. What if his father had time to teach him, to help him? Maybe Rick would see that his son was capable of handling himself and being a capable guard rather than just babysitting duty all the time. Sometimes Carl would be able to go off the property but now with everything happening, he would be surprised if he could so much as step a foot out the door.

There was a small knock on the door and Carl half hoped that it was Remi.

"Come in," he called.

The teen watched to see Carol coming in with another bowl and this time some cookies.


	4. Chapter 4

"Thought you'd like a treat," the mother said placing it on the bedtable.

"Sorry about yesterday," apologized Carl, his head slightly bowed.

Carol laid a gentle hand on the teen's. "I know it's a hard time for you right now, but thank you for apologizing."

Carl nodded and took a tentative bite of one of the cookies. He was surprised at the sugary taste remembering when his own mother Lori would make homemade cookies for him.

"Do you like it?" asked Carol bringing the teen out of thought.

Carl swallowed the bite. "Yes, thank you."

"Well…its luck that Glenn and the others were able to bring back the supplies."

Carl broke the baking in half and gave it to the mother. The two ate in silence. Carl's eye traveled around trying to see if Remi was in the room or not. She was still gone.

"You're father told me about someone," Carol began. The teen noted she was being careful with her words.

Carl didn't respond in anyway, just kept eating the cookie.

"Riley, I think it was…"

"Remi," Carl immediately corrected. He was about to take another bite when he realized he had walked right into the mother's trap. He set the baking down, realizing that she had purposely said the wrong name to get the teen to speak.

"So who is this girl?" Carol asked, her voice going slightly husky and eyes narrowing on the boy.

"She's being keeping me company," replied Carl sending the mother an equally intimidating expression.

"How long has she being here?"

"A little over a week or so...why?"

"Hmm, you know why."

Carl was surprised by the mother's short response. He looked up and his eye widened in surprise to see Remi standing in the corner. However she didn't have the dark glare like when Rick was in the room, instead the expression was neutral.

 _Damn she's quiet…!_

"Carl?"

The boy looked at the mother and then said, "I…yeah she's being here for a…a week."

"You already told me that."

"Then what do you want to know?"

Carol raised an eyebrow, looking at him as if he had just answered his own question.

"Where's she from?"

"I don't know. But she's not from Hilltop if that's what you're getting at."

"That is what I'm getting at Carl."

"She's not a spy and she's not a thief."

"Never said she was."

There was a tense silence that steadily grew between the pair. Carol drew in a slight breath and then finally spoke.

"How old is she?"

"Dunno, about my age or so."

"What does she look like?"

Carl looked back to Remi seeing that she was still there. Slowly the teen raised a finger to her lips.

"She's brown, long black hair in a ponytail, has three piercings on her ear and wears chromic military boots."

"Military?" Carol repeated.

"Yeah, she also wears dogtags."

Carol frowned as she studied the boy. After a few beats she nodded to the bowl.

"Finish eating."

With that she got up and left. Carl looked at the bowl and started to dig in, but after a couple bites his hunger started to disappear. He looked up to see Remi still leaned up by the door.

"What?" he demanded.

"So forceful," commented Remi.

Carl set the bowl down as the teen walked up to his bedside. She sat down on the upturned bucket and looked over at the table.

"Hmm, stew….Oh cookie!"

She picked one up and broke it in half she offered one to Carl who shook his head. With a shrug Remi started to eat.

"Thanks for that," Remi nodded as she took another bite.

"I should've told her," Carl ignored. "She would've believed me."

"Good thing she brought cookies, otta loosen the tongue right?"

Carl looked over at Remi, his brow slightly furrowed.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he tried.

"You've seen the changes boy don't lie, those cookies probably weren't out of the goodness of her heart."

Carl scoffed and looked out the window, he saw Carol over by his father who was securing some of the defenses. He watched as the two conversed for a couple moments, his father turned his head to the window and Carl let the curtain drop.

"Told you."

"Shut up."

Carl leaned up against the headboard. His eye downcast with betrayal, Carl should've known though he wasn't being careful. The teen went over the words he had told Carol wondering if he had unintentionally said anything that would incriminate Remi.

"Well I don't think you'd want to burn down that bridge."

Carl shrugged the blanket off. He groaned as his muscles squeezed together as he pushed himself off the bed. He looked over to see Remi rising to her feet as well.

"This isn't a good idea."

"Shut up."

He took a couple tentative steps. To his relief he was starting to get better with his motor skills, one foot in front of the other.

Carl pulled open the door and walked through without a problem. He continued down hallway, feeling his energy keeping steady thanks to the food. He needed to go outside and explain himself, to stop Carol from telling whatever lies she thought was necessary to his father.

As he pulled the door open, Daryl was about to reach for the doorknob with a couple rabbits in hand. He was shocked to see the youth up much less moving especially after this morning.

"I'm going out," Carl said trying to push the hunter aside but he may as well have being moving a boulder.

"No yer not," said the hunter as he scooped the boy up.

"Whaa! Hey!" Carl struggled but he felt his little energy wane. "Put me down."

"Not a chance kid."

Carl tried to push the hunter but he gave no sign of feeling anything, not so much as a flinch. Daryl dropped the rabbits on the counter before continuing on to the room.

"I need to tell my dad something," Carl said trying to convince the hunter to put him down.

"Then I'll get him for ya."

Daryl kicked open the door and carried the boy over to the bed before setting him down.

"Now stay, don't make me tie ya down kid."

Carl scowled deeply at the hunter who didn't even acknowledge it.

"What were you even doing up? Ya know you ain't supposed to be."

The boy didn't respond.

"This ain't about that Remi chick is it?"

Carl looked over at Daryl, wondering exactly how much he knew about her.

"So you've seen her?"

The hunter drew back slightly he rubbed the back of his neck realizing he may have said the wrong thing.

"Ain't seen shit boy, now get some rest."

"Look I know this sounds crazy but she's not a spy or a thief."

"If she's not a spy, or a thief then she's a fucking freeloader who'll eventually get herself shot. Now stay in bed and get some rest for Christ sake."

"I lost an eye not a fucking leg!" Carl protested trying to get up but Daryl pushed him down.

"Either way yer ain't making two steps outside, especially knocking into a wall on the way to the fucking pisspot."

Carl tried to lash out at the hunter who easily deflected in the manner of how one would a fly.

"What's this chick to you anyway? You love 'er or something?"

"No!"

Daryl raised an eyebrow clearly not believing the teen.

"Mph - whatever."

Daryl got up and left. The door closed behind the hunter and Carl let out a small breath. He heard the door open again and he looked up to see Remi come strolling in all calm like.

"He seems cheerful cinnamon roll."

Carl frowned. "Where were you?"

"Checking up on some things."

"Liar, what were you really doing?"

"Nothing…," admitted Remi, "just didn't want him to get jealous."

"Of what?"

Remi shrugged not letting out any details, to this Carl scowled again.

"You know rumour has it, if you keep that face up it'll be permanent? Didn't your mom ever tell you that?"

"Shut up."

"Or were you just an all-round happy child?"

Carl was about to speak when he clamped his mouth shut as earlier memories assaulted him. He gave a small swallow.

"As much as the first one was a lie, this isn't. I'm going out with Sasha and Abraham, seeing if we can nab a couple more working vehicles."

"How long will you be gone?"

Remi shrugged.

"I'm coming with you."

Remi raised an eyebrow. "You're staying here."

"What no, I'm - Ah fuck!" Carl grabbed his right leg, rubbing it ruefully where he bumped it on the table. He heard something clatter around inside. He opened the drawer and saw a small caliber handgun. It was a smaller power than he was used to but Carl couldn't help but pick it up and test the weight.

"Oh my, careful – you can kill people with that."

Carl looked back at Remi.

 _If she's not a spy, not a thief, then she's a fucking freeloader who'll eventually get herself shot._

Slowly he raised the gun pointing it straight at the girl's head. She straightened and took in a slight breath.

"Come on Carl…I dare you."

Carl was taken aback by her words. He was ready to put his arm down but something in him didn't let him. He still had it raised up. Remi lowers her head and helped level the gun to her head. Her sharp eyes boring into Carl's own, her usual playful smirk gone replaced by a neutral frown.

"One more…for old time's sake?"

The teen's brow furrowed. What was he doing? What was he thinking? Freeloader or not, Carl had no right to kill Remi. However he told his dad, and his dad didn't believe him. Neither did Carol or Daryl. Instead they just brushed it off

"Could you ever do it again?"

Remembering that Remi is here in secret he starts to gain confidence.

"Do it."

Carl gripped the gun with newfound confidence. Daryl turned out to be right she would eventually get herself shot one way or another - may as well be now.

"You need to practice right?"

Remi waited patiently, her eyes still sharp as ever. Carl felt himself re-grip the gun and was ready to pull the trigger when he felt something shake.

"Come on…you did it before, you can do it again."

Carl's finger wrapped around the trigger trying to give himself reinforced vigour. He recalled his emotion - or therefore lack of - when he had shot that other kid back around the prison.

"What are you waiting for _boy_?"

"Shut up."

"Or what?"

Quickly Carl pulled the hammer back hoping it would give him the conviction to pull the trigger right after.

"Someone's growing up fast."

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up"

Remi leaned in, the gun pressed right against her temple.

"Come on, come on, come on… the boy wasn't talking but I am…so what are you going to do? Huh? Like prey that doesn't talk back?"

"I did it for my dad, the group…."

Remi looked at the boy, her eyes softened and the frown still remained.

"So what's this one going to be for?"

Carl faltered. He felt re-gripped the gun, Remi didn't belong here. His own father had told him so, Carol called her out on her lies and Daryl had called her out for being nothing more than a burden, worse than a burden. His hands trembled more and finally he puts the gun down on the table. He looked up to see Remi walking out.

XXXXXX

That night Carl couldn't fall asleep. No matter how hard he tried or willed it, he was unable to. He kept thinking back to the confrontation between him and Remi that afternoon. Carl looked down at his own hands and saw they were still, but when he thought of killing Remi of that moment then they started to shake again. Giving an annoyed click of the tongue Carl swung his legs over the bedside and slowly rose to his feet. To his gladness he was able to remain on his own two feet.

Cautiously he walked over to the door and pulled it open. Carl knew that he had to be quiet especially at night when everyone was asleep. This was probably the worst time to be up but Carl needed his father. Despite not wanting to admit it in front of anyone, Carl needed his father at times but his independency and apathetic would keep him at bay, whisper that he needed no one. The moment called though, Carl wasn't sure on how to handle Remi, she was a major question something that Carl couldn't answer nor could he kill.

He walked over to his father's room with little to no problem using the wall as his guide. His hands would slide up and down to make sure he didn't crash into the walls again. Carl knew his father's room and like he expected the door was closed. Carl knocked, there was no answer.

"Dad?"

He heard something on the other end, he thought it was words but Carl couldn't make it out. Carl was about to knock again when a short scream came from the other end.

"Dad!"

Carl slammed himself repeatedly against the door until the lock gave and he fell to the ground. He scrambled to his feet, his hands balled in fists ready to fight if needed but what Carl saw made him falter.

His father was on top Michonne, the sheets tangled through their intertwined nude bodies. When they finally realized that there was someone there, Rick quickly pulled from the swordswoman and a white stream ejected from his exposed member and splattered on the sheet he desperately used to cover himself. Michonne used one hand to throw the remaining sheet over her exposed body. The two stared at Carl who was equally dumbfounded.

Without a word, or even a sound - Carl ran away. He heard his father struggling to get his pants as fast as humanely possible but the sound was blocked out as the boy dashed back, hitting a wall on his way to his room. He ignored the pain as he slammed the door shut not caring who he'll wake up. There were a couple knocks on the door, they were soft but quick.

"Carl…," his father pleaded, "Carl I know what you saw wasn't…please I just…please let me explain…."

"Shut up!" shouted Carl, tears welled in his eye.

"Please son…I know how it lo-."

"Fuck! Just shut up!...just…just leave me alone….!"

Carl could hear his father's defeated sigh as footsteps shuffled away from the door. The boy slid down and sat on the ground, his chin lain on his drawn knees with his arms wrapped around them. He felt silent tears pour down his face, on his right eye he felt an odd sensation, a feeling that would associate to crying but nothing came out of the now empty socket. It was gone, forever – just like his mother.

He looked over to see Remi sitting against the wall. Carl was surprised that she was in here, perhaps she was waiting for him all along.

"W-what do y-you wa-want?" stuttered the poor boy. He was in no mood for her antics. Without a word, Remi sheathed her knife and slid over to the teen's side. He was about to speak when Remi shook her head. In the moon's light Carl saw the outline of her face, the curves of her face and the glint in her eye that usually showed a playful light but now showed understanding.

Carl felt more tears slide down his face, his body shook so hard it felt like an earthquake was happening inside of him. He leaned into Remi who laid a hand on his back rubbing it comfortingly. The other stroked his cheek and ran occasionally through his grown hair.

"I've got you."

Carl felt his eye slowly close, he looked at Remi not caring about the desperate expression he was wearing. She leaned in and gently kissed him on the head.

"Sleep."

XXXXXX

The next morning the sun streamed through the curtain, the soft breeze lifted the curtain ends sending a beam of light right at Carl's face. The teen groaned and turned over feeling his head connect with the wall. Carl groaned and rubbed the sore spot, he looked over to see Remi wide awake but what else would he expect from an insomniac.

"Hi…," the teen greeted his voice slightly timid. He unraveled his arm from Remi's and drew himself into the corner.

"You're starting to snore."

Carl felt the tip of his ears go hot. His face fell and he looked at Remi wondering if she was serious or not. Finally the teen relented and she started to laugh. Carl blinked caught by surprise but he let out a few light chuckles.

"Out of all the things in this shithole of a world and you're worried that you snore in your sleep," Remi chuckled.

Carl felt himself blush but he still wore a small smile.

The events of last night wormed their way into the teen's mind. His smile vanished and the weariness in his eyes returned. His father and Michonne…. The woman was strong and fierce, amongst beautiful. Carl wasn't surprised that his father would choose her - he was just surprised that his father didn't tell him. At the very least telling his son that he was moving on.

Carl looked at Remi. She held no sympathy but understanding. She had lost her parents at the beginning of the outbreak, Carl was lucky to have his mother through the first year.

"You still miss her."

Carl let out a small sigh. "When I learned that she was pregnant I was happy, but then when I heard that she had had an affair with Shane…that changed everything."

The teen looked at Remi who remained quiet knowing he had more to say.

"I thought that I would be okay with what I did stopping my mom from turning after she died. She deserved that much."

Another silence enveloped the two.

"Dad tried to get me to talk about it, I just wanted to forget about it. I wanted to move on but… Maybe I just wanted to be able to do what needed to be done without seeing my mom's face every time."

Remi saw the depressed look in the teen's eyes.

"I understand that it's hard Carl, but your father has chosen his way to move on. You need to as well."

Carl shook his head. "I try and I try but nothing seems to be working!"

"Trying to commit acts of murder on living people isn't moving on, trust me I've tried that option as well."

Carl looked at her, Remi drew out her knife and stabbed it into the ground.

"Any soldier I came across I shot, any survivor who even remotely looked threatening I shot. I was angry – but I suppose that's a piss poor excuse for murdering anyone who looks at you the wrong way."

"How many?" Carl asked.

"Stopped counting after thirty-seven."

Carl's eye widened as he looked at the teen. She was no older than he was and had committed thirty-seven acts of murder in a year. Remi looked back at Carl.

"Some of them did have reasoning behind it, people tried to kill me first. But some I did chase down."

Carl watched as Remi straightened, her lips tightened and her eyes went downcast.

"It doesn't help Carl, there's a difference between impendency and angry. Right now you're angry – and for good reason. But I allowed my anger to go on for too long, I started to loose reason as to why I was just outright murdering anyone who came across my path. It didn't help me move on, it only kept me in the moment of when I watched my parents being eaten alive."

"So how did you move on?"

"Everything I do now has a purpose, a meaning, a reason behind that action not just because no one else will."

"And that helps?"

"Sometimes," Remi looked at the boy, "and if not well then – instinct."

Carl leaned into Remi who raised an eyebrow. After a few beats she wrapped an arm around him and felt his give a small shudder under her touch.

"That fight is over….Better prepare for the next one."

* * *

A/N: _I know it doesn't show Rick/Michonne until later but I figured their relationship started somewhere during the two months not shown. Thanks for reading, leave a review. Spitfire47_


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: _Writings in italics are flashbacks. Spitfire47_

* * *

Carl forced himself into the bed before someone could come in. As usual it was Carol who came in with a breakfast of powdered eggs and crab apples. She set them down on the table and tried to get more out of Carl about Remi but the boy remained tight-lipped. Giving up, the mother took her leave.

"That wasn't very nice," Remi playfully chastised as she closed the door behind the woman.

"I don't want to talk to her," replied Carl as he picked up the powdered eggs.

"Think she'll run to you dad?"

Carl was about to answer when he recalled the moment he had accidentally walked in on last night. He shook the image out of his head and took a bite of the eggs.

Remi walked over to the teen's bedside and sat down. She studied his face while he ate. Growing uncomfortable Carl drew back slightly and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he demanded.

"You hit a couple walls last night on your run in," explained Remi. She raised her hands and undid the bandages, Carl was still as she examined the sewn wound. "Hmm, nothing broken which is good and I don't think there's going to be any bruising."

At least he wouldn't have to explain that.

The door opened and Rick came in.

"I'll leave you two," Remi nodding as she got up. "Be gentle."

Carl saw a pained look on his dad's face, it was clear the man was still trying to form words but was deciding what was right and what was wrong.

 _Let him feel bad_ , a part of Carl growled. _Forget Remi's words, she's a murderer nothing more than the monsters that you've met out on the road._

Carl wanted to listen to that part badly, but he remembered when Remi spoke of that grisly past. She was right her anger got the better of her for way too long. Now she was trying to make up her past by helping the teen with his own. His dad was letting go, so should Carl.

"Carl…," Rick tested, his voice was low. "Please…let me explain…."

The teen swallowed, he recalled Remi's words replaying them over and over like a mantra. Finally Carl managed a weak nod, the father took this as encouragement.

"I wanted to say sorry…I'm so sorry Carl," Rick started the desperate look on his face matching his words. "I wanted to…I tried to think of some way to tell you, but I never wanted it to be like that."

Carl still remained silent. Rick went to take his son's hand but Carl pulled it out of reach allowing a slight angered expression to show.

"Carl…please…I didn't know how or when, I _was_ going to tell you though. Michonne too, we both wanted things to settle down a bit. But…things started to become complicated."

Carl still remained silent, however his eye went downcast.

"Please Carl say something."

The teen scowled, "and say what? You're having sex with Michonne, fine – end of story."

Rick swallowed. "No, it's not end of story there's more to that."

"So what…she's replacing mom?"

The father let out a small breath. "I'm tired of being alone, not having anyone. I need someone by my side at night."

Carl felt the anger release replaced by sadness, matching the tone in his father's voice. He could hear the hurt and the teen found himself wondering how long his father felt like this. He looked out the window and saw Michonne direct some of the heavier vehicles along the defenses.

"Why her?"

Rick was caught off guard by his son's question. He looked at Carl who had a hard expression on his face, who looked back at his father waiting for his response.

"She's different…."

Carl nodded, that's all he could do really – nod. He placed his head in his hands, feeling a gut dropping sensation take over him suddenly. The truth about what happened up in the canyon between his mother and Shane started to come back again. The only difference is, Rick was very much a live – Lori; not so much.

"How are you feeling?" asked Rick.

"Fine…," Carl managed. _No thanks to you._

"Has Remi come back?"

Carl didn't reply. He made no gesture that he even heard his father. Rick let out a small sigh and rose to his feet.

"I'll…ah…I'll give you a couple minutes."

Carl continued to stare at the patterned blanket as he heard the door open and then close. He closed his eye and placed his hands to his head giving it a strong shake. His eye slowly opened and Carl looked around to see himself alone. He looked over at the wall expecting Remi to be there, sitting and waiting for him to stop feeling sorry for himself but she wasn't. Carl let out a small huff, he didn't need someone to be around to tell him what to do or how to feel – much less a girl.

Slowly Carl rebuked his own thought. The teen recalled one girl, a couple years older than he. She had come from Woodbury with the others. Carl had watched her build the barbeque pit as well as parts for the gate and only later was informed from Patrick that before the apocalypse she was an apprentice welder. In secret Carl had found himself infatuated with the girl but never had the courage to tell her. Never even had the courage to ask her name, instead he would ask Patrick.

" _Her name's Lyra, she came into Woodbury with her father but he died during a scavenge leaving her alone. She had her own shop at the end of town for her to fix structure as well as weaponry."_

" _Her own shop?"_

" _Oh yeah, when the Governor found out that he had a trade worker he was ecstatic. I mean we did have an auto mechanic but someone who was able to fix up the buildings was nice."_

" _Did she have anyone?"_

" _Like a friend? Uh…not really, I mean she mostly kept to herself even after her father died."_

" _Did she have…a boyfriend or anything?"_

 _Patrick raised an eyebrow. "I know some enforcers were interested but I don't think so."_

Carl had met Lyra in the main cell block when his father wanted to talk to her about working on the main gates. She had designed the gates and needed material, Rick had some people take apart different appliances but apparently it wasn't enough.

The two had bumped into each other when Carl was leaving and Lyra was coming in. They had paused temporarily. After a few beats, Lyra pardoned herself and went to Rick.

If Carl had it his way, if he would rewind time he would go straight to that moment. When him and Lyra had met face to face for a few brief moments, he would fix it. He would speak to her, tell her his name and they would start talking. But maybe it was his hatred for Woodbury that told him to keep his mouth shut, Remi was right – he was angry for way too long.

XXXXXX

Supper came around and Carl expected Carol instead he was surprised to see Michonne coming in. She placed the bowl and cookies on the table before grabbing the upturned bucket and setting it beside Carl's bedside. Carl looked over the woman's shoulder to see Remi sneak out closing the door behind her. He wished she could stay, he needed some sort of strength to endure what was next to come.

"I'm sorry you saw your dad and I that way," the swordswoman started, "we never meant for it to come out like that. We wanted to wait until things were sorted out at least to a manageable point before telling you."

Carl saw that the woman was being sincere about her words.

"I understand if you don't want to say certain things to your father, but you can tell them to me. I won't tell anyone I promise."

Carl opened his mouth but then immediately closed it. Michonne was offering, no – telling him to get it all out. To curse her, to curse his father - basically to do anything to help him rid the anger. He was surprised that she was offering such a thing.

He tried again to speak, to get at least something out. But nothing came out, so Michonne started off.

"We started talking about a month ago, just talking but not about the Walkers, Alexandrians, or any of that. Just…regular boring past life things. I told him about my husband and child, he told me about Lori and a little about you too."

Carl felt the tips of his ears go hot remembering some of the embarrassing memories of his childhood.

"We made out a couple times, just to test the water so to speak. Then about a week later we had sex, we kept it secret for obvious reasons."

The teen continued to give the swordswoman the silent treatment. She sighed.

"The first time we had sex-."

"Alright, alright!" Carl blurted, "fine…."

He let out a slight breath.

"I don't care about you or dad…I'm actually okay with it I mean after hearing from dad it was clear he was lonely. I just…I don't know I suppose that I…ah forget it."

"You feel lonely too," Michonne finished her voice calm and patient.

Carl tried to nod but couldn't, however he knew that he didn't have to answer Michonne's statement, both knew it was true.

"What about the girl back at the prison? The one who built the gate and pit?"

"Lyra?.. What about her?"

"I know that you had a thing for her."

Carl blinked surprisingly at Michonne.

"You'd give her a different look, softer than you would with anyone else."

The teen bowed his head.

"So who was she?"

"…she looked lonely too." Carl paused. "Lyra had lost her father, so it was just her. She had…no one."

Carl looked over at the door. It was still closed but he wondered if Remi was on the other side listening. Remi was alone.

Michonne studied the teen for a few beats. She rose to her feet.

XXXXXX

The next day Carl woke as usual. However Remi wasn't anywhere to be found, in fact it seemed that no one was around. The teen swung his legs over the bedside and got up his motor skills were back up to par.

Carl opened the door and walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. He saw Heath sitting at the counter, he was cleaning his gun with a bottle of beer off to the side.

"Morning," the man said taking a swig of beer.

"Its' morning," Carl frowned.

"I know that."

"Why are you drinking?"

"You're gonna rat me out to the deputy sheriff?"

There was a pause. Carl shook his head and walked looked into the cupboards, most of them were empty except for some stale crusts of bread, half a box of cereal and some pasta bags. Carl looked in the fridge to see it mostly empty as well.

"It's all in the cooler," Heath nodded over to the stained red box. "Generator busted.

Carl walked over and took out the bowl of stew, he grabbed a crust of bread.

"You know that stew's a couple weeks old right?" asked Heath.

Carl shrugged and dug in using the watery juice to soften the bread.

"You know what kid, you should do?" He shook the half-empty beer bottle.

"You want me to get drunk?" the teen asked slightly confused.

"Only until you can't feel the pain."

"What makes you think I'm in pain?" Carl demanded.

"I can tell the way you walk, it's in your stance and not to mention your face."

"I'm not in pain."

Heath let out a sound of disbelief but didn't say anything. Carl was happy he didn't, he had half the mind of punching the man in the face.

"Where's my dad? Where are the others?"

"Out and about, here and there. Some went hunting while others went for supplies and to find parts for the generator."

Carl looked into the stew. He partially wished he could go and help his group. The walls in his room seemed to be sliding further and further inward suffocating him to death. He took a couple more bites feeling the food satisfy his empty stomach. He looked over to see Heath leaning in.

"From what I heard you caught your father and Michonne having a quick hump in bed."

 _So much for a quiet breakfast._

"Shut up."

"It's being quite the talk around here."

"I said shut up!"

Heath let out a small snort as Carl rose from the chair and headed outside taking the bowl with him.

Outside the sun was up yet the morning breeze cut through the teen's sweater. He looked around to see a couple people on the defenses but he didn't feel like going to talk to any of them. Carl walked around to the side and saw a couple chairs and table set up along the wall. He took a chair and sat down. Looking out into the scenery, Carl felt himself oddly relaxed. Perhaps it was the cabin fever but Carl never knew that fresh air felt so…fresh. It revitalized him and he felt his energy rise with each breath.

Once his breakfast was finished, Carl set the bowl down. He lowered the sheriff hat over his eye and leaned back into the chair. He felt the breeze rush over him like a blanket, another slipped over him almost coaxing him to sleep. He drew in a deep breath smelling the trees, and the blood-free air. His eye fluttered close and he felt himself fall asleep.

XXXXXX

Carl was out for only fifteen minutes. When he woke it was with a little start and he nearly slid right out of the chair. Gripping the arm rests he drew himself back up and sighed resting his head in his hand, his right hand brushing against the gauze wrapped around his eye. He wondered when he would be able to take it off. The heat from his hand made the stitches itchy again and it took everything from Carl not to scratch as it.

He undid the bandages and used the window as a partial mirror to examine the wound. There was a bit of crust around the stitching and Carl wondered if more fluid had leaked out. He touched the redness around the stitching feeling it burn slightly on his skin.

 _Fucking dammit! Heal you damn wound!_

Carl's mental thinking didn't work and angrily he did up the gauze giving it a slight tug as he did up the knot. He immediately regretted it as the stinging sensation shot right through his head. His hands instinctively went to the right socket thinking that something was in it but Carl stopped himself halfway through.

 _There's nothing, absolutely nothing._

The teen let out a small sigh.

"Hey," Remi nodded.

"Hi."

 _Click, click._

Carl looked over to see Remi lighting up a cigarette. He raised an eyebrow. He watched her blow out a long thin gust, the tails curled in the air before disappearing. Carl's nose wrinkled as he smelt the tobacco waft around the pair.

"What's with the ugly face kid?"

"Nothing."

 _Wham!_ Carl nearly fell out of his chair as Remi punched him in the shoulder. He rubbed it while glaring angrily at her.

"Stop being a wiseass," the teen suggested, "be honest."

Carl scowled. "And tell you what? Every one now knows that my dad and Michonne are in a relationship and that I walked on in them having sex!"

Remi fiddled with the butt end of the cigarette before stamping it out.

"Actually everyone knew already."

Carl blinked. "Wait…what?"

The teen sighed. "You really want me to say it aloud, right in front of everyone?"

"Well if _everyone_ knew then what's the difference?" Carl gripped the arm rests. That meant that Daryl, Glenn, Maggie and Carol knew before him but the worst of it was they decided to keep it a secret. After everything they've being through, no one thought that the leader's son would be able to hack the truth.

"You know me to be a good listener, come on kid – don't give up on me now."

Carl looked over, he was holding out on Remi and she knew it.

"If it weren't for me, dad wouldn't even be alive. I took care of him when he was recovering from the beating the Governor gave him. I'd like to call it a fight, but it wasn't. Michonne had to save him from being killed. After that it was just the two of us. He doesn't remember some of it, but I've told him everything. I always have and it wasn't just out of the duty of a son, but a survivor."

Carl paused. He looked over at Remi who waited.

"I tell him everything, and in return he thinks that I can't hack it because I'm his son – a kid."

"Here."

Carl looked over to see Remi passing over the cigarette. He took it between his fingers and drew. Immediately he started coughing, gusts of smoke chugged out of his mouth. "Where did you get these?"

"Snagged it from a secret stash."

"Who's?"

"Ya gonna rat me out?"

"No."

"Liar."

"Am not!"

"Whatever, you gonna finish that?"

Carl drew in another breath and was able to hold it in for a couple seconds before letting the smoke billow.

"That's it."

The teen passed it back. He's never smoked or even thought about smoking. When he was still in school, the police and health workers would try to worm horror stories into the kids' brains.

Now it was the apocalypse, where death just lingered around the corner. Carl got shot – _twice_. He'd take his chances.

"How's the eye – or socket…or….-"

"Its fine," interrupted Carl. "Leakage but it is fine."

"Leakage means that it could be infected," Remi poked Carl's head, "and it could lead into your brain."

The teen swatted her hand away.

"I'll be fine."

"You should get the doc to look at that."

Carl didn't reply. He heard the lighter flick and he looked over to see Remi lighting up another one. After doing a long drag, she passed it over to Carl who took it oddly feeling a bit grateful that she handed it over.

"See that Heath is trying to turn you into an alcoholic."

Carl shook his head. "Yeah…naw…don't think I'll do that."

"Good choice, trying to drunkenly kill walkers isn't the way to go. But of course breathing on them won't do much…."

A chuckle tickled Carl's throat. Between the two the flame went further up to the stick and Carl stubbed it out when it was finished.

"Come on, let's go shoot the shit."

Carl let out a small smile and followed Remi.

XXXXXX

Everyone returned around nightfall. Carl was getting dressed – (he had taken a quick bath to rid the tobacco smoke) - when he heard the front door open, a collective murmur of people echoed down the hallway and easily the son caught his father's voice. Carl looked down to see the bullet scar in his abdomen. His finger traced the circular outline along with the small white marks around it where Hershel had cut in to get out the shattered bullet.

There was a knock on the door and Carl quickly threw the shirt over his head.

"Come in."

The door opened to reveal his father. He walked over to his son.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Carl answered.

"We have some rabbit if you want anything to eat, Heath told me you only had a bowl of stew all day."

Meat sounded great to the teen in thought, but physically he didn't feel hungry. He knew the answer was going to disappoint his father but he went with it anyway. Rick's face fell.

"You haven't being eating much at all lately Carl, I'm worried."

"I'm fine," said the teen.

Rick didn't believe his son but Carl didn't care. He just wanted to get some rest. However the father didn't see it that way.

"If you want to ta-."

"I said I'm fine!"

The outburst took Rick by surprise and he straightened. Carl looked at his father's slightly dejected expression and he sighed.

"Sorry…."

"Get some sleep," Rick whispered. "We'll talk later."

Carl let out a small sigh but knew that he was right. He needed to think now, not talk. He watched with a heavy heart as his father left the room, closing the door behind him. Carl felt guilt mount in his heart as the outburst rang in his mind.

The teen looked around really wanting Remi to be there, he needed her despite trying to convince himself different. After a few minutes of waiting Carl realized she wasn't coming – he laid his head against the pillow and closed his eye.

When Carl woke he looked over at the clock to see it was one in the morning, usually the time when he woke. The teen was getting used to this now. He sighed leaning back into the pillow. Carl wished he was able to sleep right through without waking, but ever since the accident he was unable to. Sometimes he would end up waking three times a night.

The door opened without a sound. Carl slowly lifted the covers off, he watched as a figure came in.

"Remi?"

As soon as the name escaped his mouth, Carl bristled. The figure was taller, more built and had a man's face. He had a couple knifes clipped to his belt along with a silence handgun.

"Well, well, seems like anyone _can_ just waltz right in."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: _This chapter is r_ _ated M for sexual content. Spitfire47_

* * *

Carl stared at the man in shock, but quickly it dispersed to anger. He immediately jumped out of the bed and went into a defensive stance.

"So much for that black bitch and ginger, fucking fools all of them!"

"What do you want?" the teen growled not liking the man.

"Hmm…taller than I thought and an attitude problem on top of it."

He started to have a good idea why the man was here.

"Get out!" the teen growled. He balled his hands and his eye glowered at the man.

 _Shhk!_ Carl saw the glint of the moonlight shine on the open switchblade and the man gave a sickening grin.

"Nice and quiet like," the man warned.

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Oh, wicked tongue boy – Negan will have fun cutting it out!"

The man lunged, stabbing forward. Carl threw himself out of the way hearing the blade slice through his clothing. He pushed the man against the bed but the attacker was quicker than Carl anticipated and he felt hands slam him against the wall.

"Warned ya boy."

Carl tried to shout but he felt a cloth being stuffed into his mouth and a knee sinking deep into his stomach. Pain welled in his chest as Carl tried to get up but the man had a strong hold on him. Carl struggled out of the grip, his fingers digging into the man's arm but his attacker gave no sign that he even felt the grip. He felt a knife being pressed against his left cheek and drawn up close to his eye.

"Keep on struggling boy and I'- _argh!"_

The smashed bowl sent slivers into Carl's hand as he slammed the dish into the man's side. He turned and kicked the attacker where it counted. He took the opportunity to strike out again with a shard. It slid across the side of the man's head. Carl thought he'd go down but a strong hand gripped his wrist almost to the point of breaking it with a single squeeze. He pulled the teen down and delivered a devastating punch to his head.

Carl felt his eye roll in the back of his head. Stars danced in front of a black curtain as he felt his head connect with the ground. He tried to get up the attacker grabbed a handful of his hair and twisted cruelly Carl screamed into the cloth feeling pain spread. The attacker straddled Carl and a volley of quick punches was delivered to his head, one after the other. Darkness edged the teen's vision as he felt blood slip out of his mouth and stain the cloth, he spat the rag out to catch breath but the beating wouldn't allow it.

Suddenly a pitiful howl echoed through the entire building as the bowl shard ripped through his entire cheek, from jaw to ear. Blood along with pieces of tongue and cheek rained on Carl as he gripped the shard tightly. His attacker rolled off of him clutching his torn cheek, pitiful whimpers emitted from his throat.

 _Thump, thump, thump!_

Carl watched as the door reverberated as his group tried to get in. He noticed a knife jammed in the lock hole most likely by his attacker. He looked back just in time to see the man give a final lunge. Carl raised his hands – forgetting about the shard.

It slid straight into the attacker's throat.

The man coughed, the flaps of his torn cheek bounced as he coughed again. Warm blood spewed out of his mouth and coated Carl's front. The liquid leaked out and onto the teen's hand as the deadweight of the man started to take its toll and it dropped to the ground along with the teen. He looked down at his blood soaked hand, the clothes soaked straight through the grain.

 _He's not dead._

Carl stepped forward and knelt before driving the shard into the man's skull.

 _The shard's too short._

Carl drove it in again, careful not to lose grip of the shard to prevent it from sliding straight into the skull.

 _Again, one more time, he's not dead - again!_

Carl was about to drive it in when an arm wrapped around him and gripped his wrist.

"Not without reason." The voice was familiar, soft yet strong.

His arm flopped to his side, limp and deadweight like the mangled body in front of him. He felt himself sink to the ground exhausted. Carl heard some words but they were jumbled. He looked around to see familiar faces but they were blurred out and unfocussed. A couple words were thrown his way but they were warbled, jumbled – unintelligible.

Carl passed out.

XXXXXX

 _Through a thin crack in the blinders, Carl watched Lyra flip the welding helmet down and start another bead down the gate edge connecting another section._ _Lyra had asked everyone not to be around her, because the sparks and UV light from the electrodes could cause flash burn or worse, permanent blindness. So with a couple sheets of metal and supports Lyra had built a box to encase herself in so she could be sure no one else would be harmed._

 _He went back to his job of feeding chickens._

 _Lazily Carl tossed another handful and watched them peck at the ground. Carl looked back up and continued to watch Lyra until-_

" _Ow!"_

 _Carl glared at the chicken who pecked at his hand. Angrily he threw the feed at the birds and marched off._

 _Just as he was about to walk back into the cell block, Carl looked back to see Lyra talking Glenn who had returned from a supply trip. The Runner handed over some pieces of metal and a bundle of electrodes. Lyra nodded her thanks and spoke a few words, Glenn responded and it went back and forth for another five minutes. Glenn placed a hand on the welder's back. Unconsciously Carl gripped the fence tighter feeling the metal press impressions into his fingers and palm._

 _He has Maggie, Carl thought, it's nothing, he's just being friendly._

 _Carl turned away. He was wondering why he was being so damn jealous. Lyra was a girl, actually more like a young woman but Carl told himself that she was merely a girl._

 _Carl watched for a few more minutes catching the last of Lyra's welding. She took away the blinders, lowered the supports and placed them against the fence. The welder placed the tools and in the bag, along with the scrap metal and remaining electrodes. Carl saw the muscles in her arm bulge as she slung the heavy bag onto her shoulder. She was clearly well toned from the years of practice in the shop. Lyra wrapped the cord around the generators and pushed the two back up to the prison._

 _She nodded to Carl as she walked past him. Carl felt his heart skip a beat as she passed. Carl noticed a small dirt smudge on her face but he didn't care, in fact he thought it made her look even that more amazing._

 _Carl followed her as nonchalantly as possible, seeing her walk over to Rick and giving him updates on the gate. The teen leaned up against the wall pretending to watch over the younger kids but he strained to hear the conversation._

" _The gate will be finished in a couple of days."_

 _Rick pondered, he looked at the blueprint._

" _Don't worry it'll work," Lyra said taking out a pen. "The lift gate uses a chain drive to hoist the gate."_

" _And that will do it?"_

" _Well the one who opens it will need muscles but yeah it'll work. It'll be simple someone like Carl would be able to operate it."_

 _Another heart leap as Lyra said his name._

" _Alright what else do you need?"_

 _Carl didn't stay for that, he walked back to his room and pulled the curtain. He leaned against the wall and placed a hand on his chest. He felt the heavy beats of his heart bump against his palm. Carl closed his eyes and tried to think of something different, something other than Lyra but it was hard. Everything came back to her._

" _Carl?"_

 _The teen got up and pulled back the curtain._

" _Is everything okay?" his father asked._

" _Yeah…everything's fine."_

 _Rick studied his son for a few beats wondering if he was telling the truth or not._

" _Daryl caught a deer you should have something to eat."_

" _Yeah…later."_

 _There was another silence. Rick finally gave up trying to get his son to move even a millimetre so he left._

 _At night Carl watched as everyone started to head off to bed. He waited patiently until the last light was blown out. After a few minutes, Carl jumped out of bed and slipped a knife into his belt just in case. He slipped out as quietly as possible and headed out._

 _He had done this several of times, but he never had this heightened feeling before. Carl felt something slither inside of him, it felt like adrenaline but it was quicker making him more twitchy and jittery. At the intersection Carl made a left and after a few steps into the hall he came to the guard's room, he looked up and using the moon's light Carl made out the faded lettering: Cell Block B._

 _Carl drew in a small breath and let it out. He walked into the block and turned up the stairs he knew where all the weak points were on the stairs and was able to avoid them. He was silent._

 _On the second floor, Carl passed each cell listening to the breaths that lived inside. He walked to the end of the row and peeked into the cell. Inside Lyra was sleeping on her side, some of her dark hair was fanned on her front covering the white tang top. Carl was able to see a bit of her breast as the apprentice welder didn't wear her sports bra when she slept. Carl drew in a small breath feeling his heart palpitate slightly. He turned around so his back was pressed against the wall._

 _Get a hold of yourself, Carl thought._

 _The teen drew in a small breath but it felt shaky. His hands were trembling hard making the light bounce on the wall. He looked around and saw that it was dark, he was alone._

 _Slowly Carl set the flashlight down and unzipped his pants under the guise of loud snoring a couple cells down. He carefully pushed his pants and underwear halfway down his butt and leaned back against the cool wall._

 _I can do this…, Carl thought to himself._

 _But he's never done_ this _before. The most he's ever done was just watch. During the day it would be as close to her as possible while not giving himself away, at night it would be sitting outside her cell. He had even come up with a cover story of saying he was just making rounds to ensure everyone's safe should anyone wake up._

 _Carl looked back into the room to see Lyra still there in the same position. Her hands near her face and her legs crossed underneath the blanket. Carl saw the outline of her breasts through the white tang top._

 _He turned back feeling his member stiffen. Giving a nervous swallow Carl grabbed his exposed shaft and started to stoke himself. It was nervous at first but it didn't take Carl long to get a good rhythm. The sweat on his palm acted as a lubricant as he felt a rough jerk. Carl bit his lip to stop himself from giving a small grunt. He felt himself tense as a shudder ran through his body. He stole a quick peak around the corner. Lyra shifted in her sleep, her hand clenched the sheets, her legs grinding together._

" _Ah!"_

 _Carl clamped him mouth shut as cum shot out of his member. He slapped a hand over his mouth as a powerful tremor rushed through his body quaking him to the core. Carl didn't even dare to breathe. To his luck the cell block remained quiet and dark. He looked in Lyra's room to see that she was still fast asleep. The held in breathe expelled slowly from Carl's mouth as he rode what was left of his orgasm. He looked up to see some stringy white liquid dripping from the railing. Quickly Carl took off his shirt and wiped the railing and floor down the best he could._

 _Rushing to the first floor, he made his way to the end of the line and examined the floor to make sure nothing had spilled over the edge. Luckily it was only a tiny drop, so barely noticeable that Carl nearly walked right past it. But the teen wasn't going to let something like that slip, it was just too risky as well as embarrassing if anyone found out._

 _Once he had all his bases covered, Carl made his way back to the main cell block._

 _XXXXXX_

Carl's eye slowly opened. He felt a numbing pain through his entire face but mostly on the left side. He gingerly touched his side to feel it give a sharp sting sending the teen into a paroxysmal spasm. Carl reached up to touch the bandages. A gentle hand wrapped around his fingers, Carl looked over to see Remi sitting on the upturned bucket.

"Don't," she whispered.

"It hurts," Carl admitted.

"I know."

He looked down at his right hand to see it bandaged up and stitched no doubt. Carl looked over to see a curtain in place of the door.

"Your dad busted it completely, pieces everywhere," explained Remi as she released Carl's hand. "That man who attacked you was from Hilltop wasn't he?"

Carl nodded. He tried to speak but the events from last night caught up to him. The attacker, the broken bowl and the blood. Carl looked down expecting to see blood on his hands again but caught himself silently chastising.

"If you hadn't killed that guy, your father sure as hell would've."

"He…he worked for Negan."

"One of his lackeys."

He was about to speak when the curtain was dragged over. Rick came in and looked over at his son. Remi got up from the bucket and took her place on the wall as Carl's father walked over.

Before Carl could react, Rick's arms flew around his shoulders, pulling his son into a deep hug. Carl swallowed and returned the hug after a few seconds. Then what happened next took him most by surprise – a kiss on the head.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Rick.

Carl didn't reply just allowed his father this moment. Finally Rick broke off the hug and took his son's wounded hand between his, the stitches tinged a bit in the heat.

"It's not your fault," said the teen as he pulled his hand from his father's light grip. "Besides the guy's dead, it doesn't matter anymore."

"This matters Carl," the leader responded, "more than we even thought. The Saviours are getting bolder and Alexandria doesn't have the resources or defenses to stop them should they attack full blown. Last night proved that."

"It wasn't Sasha or Abraham's fault," Carl quickly said to defend the two.

"I know, trust me, no one is at fault. How that man got in is still a mystery but I can tell you that it won't happen again."

"I can help."

Rick's eyes went downcast for a few beats. He reached up but Carl instinctively drew back. Rick blinked feeling a shaky breath escape his lips, he lowered his hand.

"The lower part of the cut on your face needed some stitching," explained the father, he gripped the side of the chair. "Your left side has a couple bruised ribs and your hand will take a bit to heal. It might hurt for a couple days so – ah, don't try." Rick placed his hands around Carl's to stop his son from making a fist.

The curtain pulled over and Michonne walked in. She paused but Carl nodded telling her that it was okay.

"How're you feeling?" she asked.

"Okay,"

The swordswoman looked at Rick who smiled, however it wasn't just a regular smile he'd give any other member it was warmer and more welcoming. It wasn't tinted with his usual dark expression. Michonne's was the same. Carl cleared his throat giving both a deep frown and the two quickly wiped the expressions off their faces.

 _They have the fucking balls to flirt in front of me! What the hell!_

Rick went to speak but Carl turned his head away quickly shutting his father up.

"What's this?" Michonne asked quickly. She knelt down by the score marks on the wall, the cupboard and the floor.

"They were always there," replied Carl. He looked over at the curtain seeing a portion shadowed by an obvious figure, every part of his being knew it was Remi.

The swordswoman frowned. "I don't remember seeing that, or that."

All three looked at the marks carved into the floor and the cupboard.

"Did you do those?" Rick asked knowing his son was lying.

"No," Carl replied into his arms.

"Why would you do this?" Michonne picked up.

"I didn't."

"There's enough damage to this place, we can't afford an-."

"I didn't do it alright! Just fuck off!"

There was an impregnable silence. Carl looked away expecting strong chastising words from his father instead he was surprised to hear him get up. Out of the corner of his eye he watched Rick whisper a couple words to his new lover and she took her leave.

"No one's blaming you," said Rick looking at his son.

"Michonne just did!"

"And she shouldn't have."

"Was it a good idea to berate your girlfriend?" Carl continued.

Rick sighed. "I don't want to talk about her, I want to talk about you."

"Why?"

"You haven't being sleeping, you haven't being eating and you're barely making any progress. New stitches needed to be put in because of leakage. Medication won't do it alone Carl, you need rest."

"I have being resting for nearly a full month now! I'm tired of sleeping, I'm tired of doing nothing!"

"Doing nothing? I wouldn't call killing a man 'doing nothing.'"

Carl stopped. He had to turn his whole head to see the blood stains still on the floor.

"Carl…."

"Leave me alone."

Rick cringed at the words. He waited a few more minutes, hoping his son would change his mind but Carl still remained looking away. The father left with a heavy heart but doing it slowly. However didn't make a sound was made during his exit.

Carl listened as the curtain pulled over and he let out the breath he was unconsciously holding in. He pulled open the window curtain to see a lot more activity outside than he had seen all together in the last month. It was no doubt the blindside attack from last night. Now everyone was trying to make up for it.

"It still hurts," Carl said breaking the silence.

Remi stepped inside, her eyes – understanding. She watched him move over to face her.

"Good thing is that chicks dig scars.'

Carl started to laugh but he felt a slightly painful tug.

"Ow…ah…that hurt."

Remi chuckled.

Then as if a switch was flicked, the expression changed. The lines on Carl's face creased. His head bowed, his hair slipping over his eye covering the tears that were welling but Remi saw it. She sat at the boy's side and saw blood seep from the gauze dripping down his face along with the tears. She took out a cloth and wiped Carl's tears before moving over to the blood. Carl sighed, his breath shaky.

"I must look pathetic to everyone, a weakling."

"Taking on someone twice your size will certainly change their minds."

Carl wiped his eye and took the cloth to wipe the blood.

"It's alright."

The teen didn't reply.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way, but you have to take care of yourself you have to look out for you."

"I don't know how."

"Yes you do, and I can help you."

Carl let out a small breath. "You've listened."

"I have."

"As well have told me things no one else would – things people were afraid to tell me. They say it's out of protection but that can only go so far."

Remi didn't speak for a couple moments. "That man would've taken you back to Hilltop to use you as leverage against your father. For the clear purpose of surrender but perhaps something else or additional bribe your father into co-operation no doubt."

"I'd never let that happen," countered Carl, his voice dark yet had an odd hollow to it. "I'd kill myself first."

The two teens looked at each other for a few beats, studying each other.

"I don't think your father would approve of that thought."

"It doesn't matter. If he took me back, I wouldn't have dad to give his opinion only myself."

"You'd give you – just like that?"

Anger flashed in Carl's eye.

"You bitch!"

"A year in the apocalypse and you haven't learned anything."

Carl was about to reply when he felt something stop him. He let out a small breath.

"When the initial outbreak happened, everything was done for me. All I had to do was stay out of the way, do lessons with my mom, Carol and Sophia, and run from any Walker that was in the vicinity. So did I learn anything? No…not until winter – that's when the _real_ lessons started.'

'I…I was excited I suppose. I finally was able to defend myself, my group. But mom was constantly worried about my safety. I mean you should've seen her face when dad told her that he was going to teach me back at the farm.'

'After my mom died, my dad started to become more protective and…." Carl paused. He looked out the window seeing his father doing his usual duties. "I just wanted to prove to my dad that I was able to care for myself, that I've grown into my own and that I'm able to survive."

Carl turned away from the window. His eye went downcast, the weight of his shoulders felt lighter but his mind felt heavy. A dark fog entered his mind and his eyelid closed halfway. Closing it briefly, Carl opened it to see Remi by his side. She drew the teen into a hug which he oddly felt grateful for. Remi pushed herself onto the bed and adjusted herself so that Carl was lain against her front his head just underneath her chin.

Carl fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

" _That's so cool."_

 _Sophia smiled as she continued to show her friend the knife. It was a wicked thing a couple inches long with a serrated back edge and a heavy handle._

 _Carl looked at the knife in awe. It seemed much easier to handle than a gun. It was heavy in the youth's hand and he gripped it with both to even out the weight. Carefully he passed it over to Sophia who returned it to its sheath._

" _So how did it feel?" Sophia asked her eyes sparkled with anticipation. Carl knew she was talking about the gun however he didn't have the guts to tell her the truth because he didn't want to downplay his part. Carl knew that Sophia looked up to the men in their camp, all of course except her father._

" _It felt good," Carl lied._

" _Good? I'd think it'd feel heavy."_

 _Carl let out a low chuckle. "Yeah heavy, but it was good and…powerful."_

 _Sophia looked at him, a wide smile on her face and her beautiful eyes wide with awe. Carl felt himself blush and he quickly turned back looking out onto the water. Carl thought of Sophia as a friend, a good friend even though they had known each other for only a couple weeks. She was incredibly shy at first not really speaking and using physical gestures as her way of communicating but when she spoke for the first time – it was to Carl._

 _The two talked for a couple minutes more passing the knife between them and even giving a few practice trusts._

" _Sophia!"_

 _The girl quickly took the knife from her friend's hands. Her face morphed into pure panic and fear as she looked left and right wondering where to hide her father's knife. Finally she tossed it into the reeds along the shore. The two rose just in time to see Sophia's father Ed come stomping down the hill towards them. His expression rang clear that he was angry._

 _Carl looked over to see Sophia. Her body slightly trembling as her face paled in knowledge of what's going to happen. He looked back at Ed who stopped right in front of the two children. Immediately Carl tried to puff up the best he could but the man was nearly three times his size and looked even more terrifying when angry._

" _Where is it?" he demanded, his bellowed voice clearing across the water._

 _Sophia looked at the ground, her fear factor hitting an all- time high. She tried to answer but Ed grabbed her wrist roughly and pulled her away from Carl._

" _Look at me when I talk to you, you little bitch!"_

 _Sophia's bottom lip trembled as tears welled in her eyes._

" _Let her go!" Carl shouted. He threw himself at the man and punched him in the chest. Ed didn't go down like Carl had hoped but he did release his daughter which Carl was thankful for. However he didn't take into account his own safety. A punch sank into the youth's gut knocking the breath right from his lungs._

 _Carl's eyes immediately teared as he struggled to catch his breath. However his throat involuntarily constricted cutting off all attempts. He felt something grab him by the back of the neck._

" _Dad let him go!" Sophia cried. She pulled at her father's arm but was sent sprawling to the ground clutching her cheek. Tears trailed down her face._

" _You little bastard, teach you a lesson you'll never forg- argh!"_

 _Carl felt himself being dropped to the ground non-too-gently as Ed gripped his thigh where Sophia had kicked him. He looked over to see a panic expression etch so deeply into the girl's face it almost seemed to be permanent._

" _Come on!" screamed Sophia as she grabbed Carl's hand. She pulled the dumbfounded youth to his feet and up the hill away from her howling mad father._

XXXXXX

"She had stolen her father's knife to impress me," Carl explained, he opened his eyes. He looked around the simple bare room and to Remi who was sitting on the floor this time. Her back to him but when she tilted her head Carl was easily able to gaze into her beautiful heterochromia eyes. "But I lied to impress her about firing off Shane's gun."

Remi gave a thoughtful nod.

"We slipped her father back his knife but the damage was already done. When Shane and my mom found out they were definitely mad, but Sophia and her mom got it much worse."

"Did he beat Sophia?"

"No…but when Sophia started talking to me again, she admitted that he beat Carol in front of her. The sick fuck made her watch."

Remi watched as a shadow passed over the teen's face.

"And my response to all of that was a nod. Just a nod, as if that would make everything that happened all better. As if Carol wounds would've healed any faster and Sophia fear even less."

Carl let out a small sigh.

"After that…it was…the situation we never spoke of again."

"And she never knew the truth that you didn't have the balls to shoot at a stationary tin can."

"Hey it was a real live gun and I was ten!"

"Hmm…."

"What?!" Carl demanded.

"What if she knew anyway?" Remi answered plainly.

"What?"

"That you didn't shoot the gun. What if Sophia knew all along but she was just playing along knowing that it'd hurt your feelings if she called you out on a lie?"

The teen tried to respond but he couldn't. It wasn't _impossible._

"She would've said something….she should've said something."

Remi took out her knife and started to pick the dirt from her nails looking back at the curtain.

"But she didn't, because she was a smart girl."

 _Was_ ….Carl though dimly. He drew his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He had spent a long time struggling coming to terms with her death when he saw Sophia coming out of the barn.

"Yeah…she was…." Carl looked over at Remi who gave him a look of understanding. "Where'd you get that?"

Every time Carl saw Remi, she had it out. Either she was cutting score marks into the wall or cleaning her nails with it.

Remi flipped the knife between her fingers. The tip balanced between her finger and thumb.

"What if I told you it was a gift?" Remi asked.

"Is this a true story?" countered Carl.

The teen smirked, "Smartass."

"Aren't those tricks dangerous?"

She flipped it so that the middle of the blade lain perfectly flat on her finger.

"Show off…ow!" Carl rubbed his arm ruefully where Remi punched him.

"As usual you're missing the point."

"Which is what?"

"You asked about it earlier, the dangerous tricks. A slip of the blade on a vein and I'd lose the finger."

"Because you practiced."

"Good, but before practicing where do you think I got these tricks?"

Carl looked slightly confused. "From people you saw doing it?"

Remi snapped her fingers, "bingo!"

The teen let out a small sigh. "So what are you saying?"

"You have all the tools right in front of you, you watched your dad and the other throughout the past year no doubt. The earliest ways of teaching, through watching others perform."

"There's a difference between watching and doing."

"True, but you have seen it so much that you're practically able to do it on your own – except drive."

Carl let out a short laugh.

"But that you can learn through trial and error, just be careful where you put the stick into Reverse."

Another short laugh.

"Long story short, I came across someone who gave it to me before he left."

"Left?"

"Yeah…he had gone to get some supplies but never came back. So he's most likely dead."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"When did you meet him?"

"A couple months around winter, he saved me actually. But that's another story entirely."

Carl side glanced Remi who was sitting against the wall, her body slightly twisted around so that she was partially facing the wall carving thin lines into it. Remi looked over her shoulder to the boy, she saw an apprehensive expression on his face.

"You don't like my company?"

"It's not that."

"What? You want to tell your dad about me when 'things settle down'?"

Carl huffed. "Now's just a bad time, you know it."

"Mmm, thing about 'bad times' is that there a lot more than before. 'Letting the good times roll'…that phrase is dead."

"Good times…," repeated Carl, his voice hollow indicating a slight daze.

There was a silence between the two teenagers. One stuck in silence of memories and the other stuck in silence of boredom. The one in boredom clapped her hands loudly bringing the other out of his trance.

"Let's make a bet!"

Carl gapped at her.

"Yeah, yeah it'll be fine. Nothing major and you a way you can prove yourself."

"To who you?"

Remi sighed, "no you Numbnut, to _you_."

Carl blinked. "Wha-. I…I guess that depends on the bet."

"Really? It's going to depend on the bet? Come on boy, have some fun – not like it's going to last long in this shit show."

The teen sighed. "Fine, what's the bet?"

Remi cleared her throat giving Carl a playful smile and immediately he regretted those words.

"I bet that you can't make it to the store and back in five days or less."

Carl's jaw dropped at the audacious bet. He felt a tremor run through his body, at first he thought it was out of hesitation but instead it almost felt like adrenaline.

"What are you saying?"

Remi turned over and looked at him directly. "You're a cleaver boy."

"You're saying I should run away."

"No, I'm saying you don't have the balls to go on a run while looking out for _you_."

Carl swallowed, he felt himself grow short of breath. Out of all the things, he's never thought about that.

"You said you wanted to prove to your dad right? But what about yourself?"

"I-I don't need to prove it to myself, I know I can do it."

Remi didn't look too convinced but she didn't push it.

"So you in or what?"

"A run to the store and back in five days or less."

"If you get it under three days you win a prize."

Carl let out a mirthless laugh. "I thought I'd win a prize anyway."

"The original prize if whatever you bring back as proof you actually made it to the shop, not hide in a tree for four days just six steps from this place."

"So what's the prize if I come back under three days?"

"The location of your girlfriend Lyra."

The temperature in the room plummeted. At least to Carl it felt like it did, the atmosphere dimmed and churned like a raging ocean storm.

"Where is she?" the teen's voice haunting.

Remi held up three fingers and waged them.

He immediately jumped up from the bed and grabbed the lapels of Remi's jacket before slamming her against the wall.

"Where is she?!"

"That's not going to be you anywhere," Remi reminded calmly.

"I'm not playing your stupid game!"

"Information doesn't come free boy."

Carl released Remi and felt himself grow increasingly weaker after his outburst. He glared at Remi who returned it perfectly the hair on her sides shadowed her face making it even darker than usual.

"When do I have to leave?" Carl asked going along with the dangerous game.

"Whenever you feel like it, but as soon as you step out those doors – the game is on."

Carl let out a small breath.

"So what do I have to do?"

"Rules are simple," Remi said pushing off the wall. "All you have to do is bring something back from the store."

"Bring something back?"

"Yes, as proof that you actually went."

"Like what?"

"Anything, food, clothes, condoms…."

Carl blushed.

"What? I didn't say _for me_ it can be for anyone, you, Heath, Daryl, your dad….What?"

Carl clicked his tongue in annoyance.

"Of course you could always keep them for yourself," Remi continued slyly. "You know, so that it would be easier to clean up the mess when you feel an itch."

The tips of Carl's ears flushed along with his cheeks as he stuttered a pathetic: "S-shut up."

Remi let out a small chuckle.

"So what's it gonna be boy?"

XXXXXX

Morning shone through the window, Carl was wide awake. He hadn't slept last night, his mind constantly on Lyra. He recalled the way she walked; strong and tall with confidence and pride. The way she smelled; the lingering scent of smoke that clung to her permanently but it wasn't discouraging rather light and airy. The way she looked; sharp features with bright light coloured eyes and the flow of her shoulder length dark hair. Her usual attire of a tang top and a long tail vest to show off her toned arms and wraps on hands to hide the worst of her burns. She always had a pair of fire-resistant jeans on no matter what day, how hot or welding or not. She would change out of the tang top and vest for welding leather though to protect herself from the sparks.

The first time Carl masturbated up on the second floor in Cell Block B certainly wasn't the last. The only difference was that he did it in his room when everyone was asleep. He'd use a bandana to keep the grunts and climax muffled. After the deed was done, Carl would lie in bed his breath slightly laboured from the exertion with cum cooling on his bare chest. He would tell himself that he'd talk to Lyra, over and over like a mantra.

" _I'll do it…I'll talk to her…I'll do it…I'll talk to her…."_

Until it felt like the words bored a hole, deep into his cranium.

He knew that she always ate alone in her cell before putting on her welding gear. She'd drag the welding machine and power generator to the spot she needed to either be repaired or built, put up the wall and supports and get to work. Carl noticed that none of the young men tried to ask her out. They would nod politely to her but that was about it. No one from Woodbury ever talked to her, no matter what gender – not even once unless it was to report something needed repairing.

Carl loved her husky voice. It was strong and had snap to it when she was giving order or said something that needed to be taken seriously (which was almost all the time). One day he had caught her laughing, her husky voice rose turning her laugh light.

Back on Earth, Carl opened his sleep-deprived eye. He looked around to see that he was alone. Matter of fact, Carl hadn't seen Remi at all for the past four days, he reckoned that she got up and left when she realized that the teen didn't have the guts to go for the deal after all.

Carl let out a small sigh and rubbed his face. He gave it a quick slap in attempts to come to his senses but none came. He cleared his throat and stretched his arms and legs feeling the joints give a satisfied crack as he had done so the last three days to wake himself.

There was a knock on the wall and Carl looked up to see two still shadows. He felt his face pull into anger, he didn't want his father and Michonne to be in here, the two assaulting him with false accusations and lies.

"Go away," Carl shouted.

"It's Maggie and Glenn."

Carl paused, after a few beats he gave a small sigh. "Come in."

The curtain pulled over to reveal the husband and wife. Maggie immediately walked over to the bedside while Glenn took a position by the wall giving the pair a watchful eye of protection. The wife took out a package from her bag and laid it on the table.

"We found something that might cheer you up," she said nodding to the package.

Carl looked at it and then turned away. Maggie looked over to Glenn who came forward, he cleared his throat and spoke: "We…we need to talk about somethings Carl."

"About what?"

"Your dad is worried," Maggie said interrupting her husband. "Ever since you…uh…saw what happened – you've become more distant and sullen – your dad is worried about you – we all are."

"I'm fine," replied Carl not looking at the pair.

Maggie used a gentle hand to pull the teen's face towards her. She took in the dark circles and the paleness of the teens face. She pulled back the gauze to see the cut still sore-looking, the crust was liquefied and came off onto the bandage.

"That cut should've being healed by now," Maggie lightly chastised.

Carl swatted her hand away in the same manner that one would a fly.

"It's fine."

None looked convinced. Carl quickly pressed it down hoping that it would stick but the tape just popped right back off. Maggie dug into the table drawer and pulled out some medical tape.

"Here…"

She ripped off a piece and replaced it with the old. Carl didn't say a word through the procedure, nor did he even give a nod of thanks when it was finished.

"Carl we do need to talk about something," pleaded Maggie, "it's not good to keep things bottled up inside."

"You're just going to tell my dad," Carl bluntly replied, "I know you are so what's the fucking point in venting when it's just going to go right back to him?"

The couple didn't say anything. In fact they were too shocked to.

"We're not going to tell," replied Glenn.

Carl didn't respond.

Maggie cleared her throat: "How's Remi doing?"

"Haven't seen her in four days," Carl admitted.

"Where is she?"

"I don't know."

Maggie gave a thoughtful nod.

"What do you two talk about?"

Carl shrugged. "Just…things."

"When did she start visiting you?"

Carl was about to answer when he stopped himself. No one else asked about Remi, so why was Maggie?

"Why do you want to know?" the teen countered.

"Just curious is all."

"A little over a month ago."

"Does your father know about her?"

"He should, but he chooses to ignore her."

"Does anyone else know about Remi?"

Carl didn't respond. He remained quiet for a little bit, the two were close to giving up when the teen spoke.

"Can I talk to Glenn? In private."

Maggie opened her mouth ready to protest but Glenn placed a hand on her shoulder. Giving a small sigh the woman nodded knowing that Carl possibly trusted Glenn more because they knew each other the longest. Slowly Maggie rose to her feet and walked out closing the curtain behind her.

Glenn let out a slight breath and sat down.

"So….what's up?"

"How long does it take to get from here to the store?" Carl asked abruptly.

The Korean was slightly taken aback by the teen's question.

"About three days," Glenn answered, "but we use a vehicle."

Carl nodded.

The lingering question on his mind: where is Lyra? Remi's audacious 'reward' had plagued his mind for the past four days, there were just so many objectives and dangers alone to the bet plus on top of that off balanced perception. The teen has a hard time getting up and around Alexandria much less being able to make a couple day journey and back – alive.

"Carl…?"

The teen snapped back to reality and ran a hand over his tiring face.

"Perhaps you should rest."

"I-I'm fine," Carl responded but his voice was weak.

Glenn took a small bottle out of his pocket. "Maggie and I found these when we went to the pharmacy."

Carl took the bottle, he saw it was sleeping pills.

"Wasn't a lot in it but it might help for a couple days, at least until you pass this block."

"That's a good brand."

Carl's head snapped up to see Remi flip her knife into its sheath. She pushed herself on the wall and came up behind Glenn. Without warning, she kissed him right on the cheek. Carl's jaw dropped and he was about to say something when Glenn beat him too it. The expression on the teen's face alerted the man and he turned. However he saw the space was empty. Slowly Glenn turned back Carl who looked tired and slightly embarrassed.

"Are…you alright?"

Carl opened his mouth ready to give his usual lie but he had always felt safe around Glenn, that he could trust him.

"That's…that's a big question right now," the teen admitted softly.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" Glenn offered.

"No, I'm fine thanks."

The Runner was skeptical about the teen's rebuff.

"Well…if you need any-."

"I can get it myself!"

Carl's outburst stopped Glenn in his tracks. Quietly the young man took his leave.

Carl listened as the curtain dragged across the rod. The metal scraping metal racked his brain and the sound seemed to have amplified making the teen cringe slightly. Giving a slight wince Carl shook his head and let out a small sigh. He looked over to see Remi sitting by his bed, her palm out and a pill in the middle.

"I don't want it."

"Sunken cheeks, black circles and messy hair after four days and no sleep, you make a terrible insomniac."

Despite himself Carl let out low chuckles as he ran a hand through his messy hair.

"You look like a drug addict," Remi clarified.

"Says the girl who's handing me the drugs," Carl countered.

"Touché, but seriously – it's clear why everyone's so worried about you."

Carl reluctantly took the pill and swallowed it. The effects were almost immediate. The room started to spin for the teen and his limbs oddly felt numb, he tried to think but his mind wasn't working – he tried to speak but his throat felt clogged.

His eyelid fluttered and he passed out.


	8. Chapter 8

Over a couple of days, there was an improvement in the teen. Carl was eating and sleeping(much to his father's relief). He had started to a couple days ago but not without difficulty. The food tasted like plaster, no matter what he ate even if it was watered-down soup. But he managed to keep down whatever was given to him. Sleep didn't come easy, he would lay awake in bed for hours before even getting the slightest bit drowsy. Remi would visit him when possible for a couple rounds of light teasing.

The teen had decided for a change of scenery – another field trip. Carl didn't go far he was still in the building just in a different place, the living room. Heath had taken over the kitchen, the teen didn't feel like talking to him so he decided somewhere else. Going up stairs was still a bit touch and go depending on where the walls were but slowly Carl was starting to get the hang of it.

Glenn had found a stash of comic books while on a run and split the pack with Carl giving him the first half. After a few attempts Carl easily got used to reading with only one eye, he just had to make more head rotations.

"Carl?"

The teen looked up to see his father coming into the room. Rick removed his gun belt and laid it on the table before settling himself by his son.

"How are you?"

"I'll be honest if you are," Carl answered.

Rick swallowed but gave a nod understanding his son.

"It's…difficult still," he admitted, "but I'm managing."

Rick nodded. "Heath saw some Saviours the other day, he didn't stay long which was good but he said it looked like they were looking for something."

"Or someone…."

Rick sighed. "Let's hope not."

He looked down at his son and heard himself clear his throat.

"I know you've being talking to everyone else…and Remi…."

Carl knew what his father was getting at. He gave a slight sigh. What was he afraid of? Was he afraid that if the truth came out then his father would put more restrictions on him? When Carl was younger, the teen understood but he was almost full grown now – he had to take chances.

"Glenn saw you outside the other day," Rick said bringing his son out of through.

"Yeah, I wanted to get out of the room."

"Smoking?"

 _Fuck…_ Carl thought as his eye widened in surprise. He tried to think of what to say, while his father waited with baited patience however knowing that his son had nothing.

"Where did you get the cigarettes?"

"Someone's stash."

"Whose?"

Carl paused, he knew he should've pushed Remi for the name. He looked over at Rick to see that he wasn't going to escape this one.

"Daryl's."

The father drew in a small breath, "Daryl's…?"

"Yeah," Carl said now becoming more confident in using the hunter as a scapegoat.

"The man who had never smoked in his life."

 _Oh come on…!_

Carl just shrugged not offering any other information. He could feel his father's eyes still on him clearly wanting more. But the father just shook his head. A part of Carl wanted to try and justify the shake while the other told himself to shut up.

 _He's letting us off moron, get over yourself!_

Suddenly a gut-dropping feeling took the teen by surprise making him involuntary shoot up from the couch. His right hand throbbed with pain as he ran it through his hair.

"Carl…." The voice was distant.

The teen tried to speak but nothing came out.

"I'm right here…," the voice continued. "You're alright. You're safe."

Carl felt himself being led like a child. However he didn't have a choice, his mind was going on autopilot with his father who was leading. He heard comforting words whispered every so often in his ear as if encouraging him for staying this long on his feet.

The familiar scrap of the curtain was pulled and Carl couldn't help but wince. After a couple more steps Carl was seated on the bed. Rick wrapped his arm around his son, taking the fact that Carl didn't move gave the father encouragement. The son waited for his father to speak, but there were no words, just silence.

A sudden chill ran through the teen's body and he tried to shift as his cheeks blushed with embarrassment. While his mind tried to command, his muscles disobeyed; he remained. Carl felt his father wrap his other arm around him supporting the teen's front as his body started to curl.

From losing his eye, to nearly being kidnapped, Carl felt like he was being ripped to pieces. But it was different from when his head burned from the pain of the bullet's path. It was the feeling of losing control. The feeling of knowing everything was crashing down, all his carefully placed mental defenses and the belief of his sanity.

Carl felt silent tears slip down his face. The tears fell onto Rick's bare arm before staining the bedspread. Carl tried to breathe evenly but the air hitched in his throat as more came out. He felt his father adjust under him as Rick leaned back taking his son into a more comfortable position.

The two slept.

XXXXXX

The next morning, Carl woke to find he was tucked in bed. He shifted so that he was lying on his front as he sunk back into the mattress. Carl breathed in the slight moldy scent that he had gotten used to, the fresh air from the open window helped counter balance the raunchy scent.

After a couple seconds, Carl's eye snapped open and he looked around to see Remi sitting on a chair. It was a rickety-old thing and looked like it was going to snap any second. Despite that she looked rather content as she was cleaning her blade.

"What happened?" Carl asked breaking the silence.

"Panic attack," Remi replied quietly. "Your father stayed with you through most of the night."

Carl spotted red on the cloth and some in the crevice between the blade and handle.

"You never did tell me," the teen said nodding to the blade. "How you got that."

Remi remained silent. She continued to stroke the blade with the cloth until it was spotless before turning it over and repeated on the other side.

"It was a gift from a friend," she said. "Someone I met when I was alone."

"Who was he…or she…?"

"It was a he, saved me during the winter. Gave me the blade just before he disappeared," Remi sheathed it once satisfied with the gleam the steel gave off in the light. "He was supposed to go on a quick run, but instead he never came back."

"Do you think he abandoned you?"

Remi shook her head. "He's not like that, he'd never do that."

"Guess you'll never know…."

Remi nodded her face slightly grim. "Suppose not."

There was a silence in the room. Carl drew the covers back and swung his legs over the edge. He inhaled and exhaled a small breath knowing in a couple of days he would be leaving.

"Lyra carried one around."

Remi looked at the teen seeing a distant look in his eye.

"It didn't sit well with my dad at first, but he let it go, knowing that she wasn't going to attack anyone with it."

Carl looked over.

"Are you really that in love with her?" Remi asked. "Who's she to you? Really? She has years on you boy, and already on a career path when this all happened."

Carl didn't answer. He drew in a slight breath.

"What are you asking Remi?"

"What do you love her for?

For the teen that was a big question. He loved everything about her, but if he had to really pick one thing then it would be her courage.

"When my dad found out, he was suspicious that she was going to play-foul with the prison if he let her do any repairs. Lyra had designed a chain gate for the prison seeing how weak our first one was. My dad didn't allow it and told her to never bring it up again.'

'The walkers on the fence were getting too much, and one day they broke through. Lyra was talking to some people, I don't remember who, but she saw it first. She grabbed a metal rebar and started to take them out faster than anyone could catch up. By the time my dad got out half of them were killed.'

'Once they were all dead she walked back up the courtyard, bloodied and sweating. Looked at my dad and asked, 'you want that gate now?'"

Suddenly Carl let out a light laugh.

"Ha…you should've seen my dad's face, his jaw was practically touching the ground."

Remi smiled as Carl let out a long breath as the laughter died.

"And she was just smiling too! It wasn't a smug smile though or anything. It was one that she'd wear as if her and my dad had being friends their entire life and still."

Carl looked over to see Remi looking at him with understanding eyes.

"That...that moment got me."

"That's when you knew."

Carl nodded.

"Again…are you really that in love with her?"

Without hesitation Carl answered: "Yes."

XXXXXX

 _Carl looked up at the top of the RV to see Dale sitting in the chair. His hat tilted slightly forward than usual to shield the aggressive sun and the snipe rifle leaned against the side. The older man looked down to see the youngest member standing below._

" _Come on up," Dale invited. "Use the ladder, careful on the middle step there..."_

 _Carl followed the instructions and made it up onto the top._

" _Here."_

 _The boy took the offered binoculars with a grin._

" _You can be my watcher, how about that?" Dale smiled._

 _Carl smiled back and peered through them. He scanned near the barn where Jimmy and Hershel were repairing the fence, to the fields where Beth and Carol were picking the vegetables and back to the house where Shane and Rick were having yet another heated argument._

 _Lowering the binoculars, Carl let out a small sigh. He had noticed his dad and Shane having these arguments more and more often much to everyone's transgression and annoyance._

" _Your dad is under pressure," Dale commented, his face turning grim as he set eyes on Shane._

" _He's in control," Carl said however it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than the man._

" _I don't doubt it."_

 _Carl turned back._

" _Do you think Hershel will let us stay through the winter?"_

 _Dale's mouth dropped slightly, he wondered where the child had heard that. However sometimes when Rick spoke, it wasn't exactly in his quiet voice._

" _I think so, Hershel is a good man he won't allow a pregnant woman to live in the woods."_

 _Dale caught the last of what he had just said. He took off his hat and scratched the back of his neck showing discomfort._

" _Ah..jeez…I'm sorry Carl."_

 _The boy waved it off, willing himself to remain firm and still. He knew that if he so much as flinched the wrong way it would get back to his dad._

" _I'm fine," Carl said, "I think it'll be nice to have a sibling."_

 _Dale nodded. "I think so too."_

 _Carl sat on the RV roof ignoring the heated metal. He tipped his hat forward like Dale had done shielding his eyes. Occasionally he would raise the binoculars and peer through them. He was watching Carol and Beth making their way back up to the house conversing as they went, T-dog joining in with Jimmy and Hershel and Daryl heading off with one of the horses. He wondered if the hunter had permission to take the horse._

 _He veered the binoculars over to see Glenn and Maggie hiding behind the tree. It was clear that neither of them expected anyone to see, and they did hide very well. Carl was only able to get a bit of their faces however it was enough to know the two were having a playful conversation. The boy realized the two were in love._

 _He lowered the binoculars and let out a small sigh. He had, had a small crush on a girl in class once. One of the popular girls but she was quiet not snobby. Carl had always spotted her drawing, and she was a great artist as the teacher would always place her projects up on the wall for all to see._

 _Now it seemed like the attempts at a romance in an environment like this was impossible to the boy. Yet here a young man and young woman were conversing with goofy grins displayed on their faces. Carl looked through again to see Glenn scoot in closer to Maggie, his one hand leaning on the tree. Carl couldn't help but snort, the display looked like a scene from a romance movie his mom would usually force his dad to watch._

" _That boy's gotta be careful."_

 _Carl looked over at Dale who had a pinched expression on his face. It was clear he didn't like the romance between the two._

" _I think its fine," Carl countered, "the two seem happy."_

" _True, but it's not Glenn's father we have to worry about."_

 _Carl slowly started to catch onto what Dale was saying. He looked back to see the two kiss._

" _Are you sure that Hershel doesn't know? I mean he could be okay with it."_

" _Why are they hiding?"_

 _The boy felt his cheeks blush. He opened his mouth ready to speak but then closed it. Dale saw the boy's hesitation and encouraged him to speak what was on his mind._

" _I don't think I'll ever fall in love."_

 _Dale's eyes widened as his face fell._

" _I don't want to," the boy clarified huskily as he looked around again._

" _Carl if this is about Sop-."_

" _It isn't, I just don't want it. Look at what's happened between my mom, dad and Shane. We should be trying harder to convince Hershel to let us stay over the winter."_

 _Dale ran a hand through his hair. He was unsure of how to respond. He felt the need to say something, but he was a bit worried about saying the wrong thing._

" _Your dad is trying the best he can," Dale started. "But you have to understand that this is Hershel's land, and we had just happened to come across it."_

" _Because of me," Carl said._

" _What happened wasn't your fault Carl, please you don't have to worry. Your father has gotten everything under control."_

 _The boy let out a small grunt. He wasn't convinced by the man's words but appreciated his attempt._

" _As for love boy…it takes time don't give up on it."_

 _Carl didn't respond._

" _I know I had a hard time finding someone at first."_

" _Back then, I don't think the apocalypse was happening."_

 _Dale let out a dry laugh._

" _True boy, but from some of the glares the girls gave me, I wished it had been."_

 _Carl found himself smiling and chuckling along with the older man. He raised the binoculars and looked through again seeing the pair had moved on._

" _You can't close yourself off like that Carl," Dale said seriously. "You have to embrace the fact that you are with people, that one day you will need someone to lean on."_

 _Carl closed his eyes. When he opened them he wondered what would it would be like, to have just friendships but nothing else. Not get too close to anyone, and not let anyone else get too close to him. Carl would have to be careful though for his plan to work, he would have to be able to know when people just want to be friends or when someone wants to go beyond that boundary._

" _I understand if you don't want to talk to your parents about some things, so you're more than welcome to come to myself. But please take my advice into consideration."_

 _Carl nodded letting the binoculars hang around his neck. He looked back at Dale to see the promise on the man's face._

" _I will."_

XXXXXX

Carl woke the next morning feeling sweat run down his forehead. His eye looked around the room until it landed on Carol who was squeezing out a cloth in a bowl. She looked surprised that the youth was up so soon but pressed the cloth to his forehead. Carl invited the coolness and liked how Carol gently dabbed it on his forehead and face. She was careful around the freshly healed wound and his right eye.

"You cried out in your sleep," she said.

Carl frowned.

"Rick thought you were being attacked again. But don't think that it may him any more comfortable."

Carl sighed. "Where is dad now?"

"He went out with Heath, Tobin and a couple others. The Saviours have started to get out of Hilltop and retreat back to their own place."

"Why?" the teen was confused.

Carol shrugged. "That's what your dad went to go find out."

"It could just be a trick by Negan."

"Maybe."

Carl expected the woman to say more but she didn't. He watched as Carol placed the cloth back in the water and took the plate that was sitting on the furthest corner.

"Here, Daryl caught a deer last night."

Carl took the plate and even though the meat looked delicious he didn't feel hungry. However to keep the charade up, he took a couple bites hoping his stomach wouldn't revolt making him throw it up.

"It is a relief to your father and everyone that you are feeling better."

Carl nodded and watched as the woman started to gather some items.

"I'll be in the other room, shout if you need anything."

Again the teen nodded and watched as Carol left, dragging the curtain closed behind her. Carl looked around to see that Remi was absent. He looked outside to see a couple people patrolling however it wasn't a lot. He realized that his father had taken some Hilltop.

Carl got up and looked under to see his stashed bag still there. He let out a small sigh of relief. He rose to his feet and walked over pulling back the curtain. Carl walked down the hallway to see Carol folding some clothes. She was slightly taken aback to see the youth up and walking.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Is it alright if I go outside?" Carl asked getting straight to the point, "just for a bit."

Carol set the clothes down, her hand went to her hip.

"I'm just going to walk around, no biggie," Carl added.

"It is a 'biggie' Carl, if you haven't noticed we're about two steps away from a war that we'd most likely lose."

 _Tell my father that._

"I'm just going to walk around the building a couple times then come straight back in."

"Carl I don't thi-."

A loud blast boomed in the distant. The two looked at each other and rushed outside.

XXXXXX

Everyone was gathered, staring West where the explosion had echoed. Carl felt his heart drop, he looked over to see a shadow pass over Carol's face as she gripped her knife.

"Come on le- _hurk!"_

"Carol!"

Blood shot from the woman's leg as the bullet passed through. Carl half dragged and half carried the woman to safety as more shots were fired. Some tried to return fire but immediately were cut down. The teen looked up to see five men, each heavily armed and wearing what looked like protective gear. Instinctively he went for his hip but realized he didn't have a weapon of any kind.

"Carl…."

He looked down at Carol who gripped her leg weakly. Carl immediately took off his long sleeve and tore it up to make a makeshift tourniquet.

"Carl…the others…."

"We need to get you fixed," Carl interrupted.

Carol took her knife out of the sheath and pushed it into the bewildered teen's hands.

"Help them…"

He was ready to speak again when the door burst open. Before Carl could react, he felt a hand wrap around his ankle and pull him back.

"Carl!"

" _Argh!"_

Carl kicked wildly as he was yanked out the door. An arm wrapped around his waist and hauled him to his feet. Carl took the knife and jammed it into the man's throat. Immediately blood sprayed the teen as he drew the knife out and impaled it deep into the man's skull. He looked up to see another Saviour glared angrily, he raised his gun prepared to shoot when his body went rigid and he fell to the ground. Carl looked to see Remi pushing the deadweight away.

"Come on!" she shouted, her front covered with blood.

Carl looked back at Carol who was struggling to get the tourniquet to stay.

"We have to get your father!"

"But Caro-."

"We don't have much time!"

Carl allowed himself to be pulled away. He looked back to see Carol returning fire through the window, ducking in time as rounds were shot into the building. He looked back in time to duck as a man swiped wildly at him. Carl parried the next attack and stabbed him in the side. Remi came up from behind and stabbed him in the head.

"Let's go."

Carl clenched the knife tighter in his hand feeling the handle imprint into his skin. Gritting his teeth Carl nodded knowing there was no other choice.

"This is your chance kid," Remi shouted. "Let's see if you can make it to Hilltop."


	9. Chapter 9

Tendrils of hair clung to Carl's face as sweat dripped from his forehead. It ran down his back and lubricated his hand that gripped the knife even tighter than what he thought possible. He looked behind to see Remi only steps behind him. She was slight out of breath as well as sweat glued her hair to her face.

The two teenagers ran into the forest. Carl dared to look behind again but Remi pushed him forward sending a silent message to keep going. They dashed into a thicket before ducking down just as a vehicle rolled past. It was a light silver truck driven by a man with thick stubble and dark eyes. One hand was on the wheel while the other looked like it was on the butt end of a wooden baseball bat. He looked around, passing over the two teens more than once.

Carl remained still, holding in a deep breath not even daring to let it out. His left eye side glanced over to Remi who was crouched but her body tense as if ready to pounce should the man dare to get out of the safety of his truck.

After what seemed like eternity, the man rolled up the tinted window and drove off. Carl saw people in the back, and straightened but Remi anchored him down from doing something stupid. Once the vehicle turned the corner the two popped out of their hiding place and walked onto the road.

"We have to go after them," said Carl taking a few steps forward.

"With what?" Remi demanded pulling the teen back. "Our legs? Oh sure I'm positive that we can keep up to a vehicle that runs up to 200 mph!"

"Shut up! You have a better idea?"

"We get your dad, we go to Hilltop."

Carl saw that Remi was making sense and nodded.

"Come on."

Carl followed her as she led the way. They stayed close to the thick parts in case they had to make a quick hide in case any more vehicles came through but to their luck there was none. Carl slipped the knife between his belt and pant, he looked down at his hand to see deep impressions on his hand, even small cuts where the heavy cloth had cut into

"You alright?"

Carl looked back at Remi, his brows furrowed.

"No, I'm not alright! What the fuck was that back there?"

"Alexandria pissing off the big boss," Remi said. "Don't think it sits too well with Negan that they decided to grow a pair and fight back."

"But the explosion…Hilltop…."

Remi shook her head she herself was clearly confused herself, "can't say, it could've all being a ruse though. Saviours getting out of Hilltop, your father would investigate that for sure. The explosion was just to get anyone hiding in the buildings to come out, like shooting fucking fish in a barrel for them."

Carl angrily balled his fists. He felt himself being grabbed and turned to face Remi who remained stone face.

"We should've stayed! Carol…fuck we left her, she was bleeding!"

"And done what? Gotten ourselves killed too? Come on, we gotta keep moving."

Carl was ready to speak when Remi just rolled her eyes and started walking. Left with no choice, the teen strode to keep up with her.

"Do you even know where we're going?" Carl demanded.

"To Hilltop."

He gave a dramatic sigh, "yes, but the _way_."

"Yes."

Carl bristled. "Wha-…how?"

"I've being there before on several occasions."

"Why?"

Remi didn't answer.

"Hey wait…!"

"Keep up, don't fall behind now kid."

Carl marched up the hill after Remi. He grabbed onto a thick root that stuck out of the ground to hoist himself up over the edge but a low tree branch struck him on the right side of the head. Carl felt his hand let go and he started backwards when he felt a hand grab the front of his shirt. He latched onto Remi's wrist and grabbed her other hand as she pulled him to his feet.

"Gotta be careful boy," she said.

"I'm fine," Carl mumbled as he continued to follow her.

The two walked to the edge of the forest and peered out into the clearing. There were a few walkers out there, but nothing alerting. There was no disturbances in the ground which would usually indicate traps. Carl looked over to seethe dogtags around Remi's neck bounce against her neck as she moved.

"You never did tell me where you got those," said Carl.

"Friend gave them to me," Remi replied.

"Which one?"

"Same guy who gave me my knife."

Carl raised an eyebrow. "Why the tags though? He was in the military then, thought he'd want to keep them."

Remi shrugged, "didn't ask. Besides we have more important things to worry about."

"Like wh-aaahh!"

Quickly she grabbed the teen by the back of his shirt and hauled him back. She took the knife out of her sheath and stabbed the walker in the head before it had the chance to bite her. Carl took out his and stabbed another that advanced towards them. The two looked around to see nothing else except the small lane of clearing that connected the forest.

"We're close," Remi said reassuringly. She was watching Carl rub the back of his neck where her fingers caught his skin. It took her a couple minutes to realize that Carl wasn't listening. She waved a hand in his face.

"You still here?"

Carl ignored her, his eye distant.

"I did it…in an opening like this. I shot him! And he died."

Remi clicked her tongue, "yeah that's usually what happens when you fucking shoot people. Thought you'd know that by now."

"I was looking for my dad, I had left without anyone knowing. Took a pistol and ran, just…ran."

"Now you can fight though, now you have the means and the reason."

Carl touched where his right eye used to be. "Hmm…great timing I have."

"You don't reminisce on the past, you learn from it. So what did you learn from Shane?"

The teen's mouth opened but then closed. He closed his eye feeling a small pulse of pain from the right, he had gotten used to it.

"That trust can sometimes backfire, even from those you know most."

Remi sighed. "Well fuck that's depressing. Try again."

"What?"

"What did you learn from Shane?

Carl took in a small breath. "I…learned that bravery can fracture rather than help."

"What did you learn from Sophia?"

Carl closed his eye remembering his friend's smile, and her shy posture.

"To always watch my back, even in the safest of areas."

"And from Dale?"

"To wait and be patient."

Remi nodded seeming pleased with the teen's words. She started to walk and Carl ran to catch up getting a bit irritated with her spontaneous actions.

"So what now?"

"You keep following the path, stay close to the road though it'll help you. When you come to a chain link fence, when you get there ask for a man named Jesus, he's the leader."

Carl straightened, he looked at Remi slightly bewildered. "Wait…! What about you? Where are you going?"

Remi turned. "What are you talking about?"

"We have to get my dad, we have to go to Hilltop, you said it yourself!"

"No… _you_ did."

Carl pulled a face, "huh?"

Remi gave him a small smile, but there was something wrong about it.

"I…was listening to you….You…is this some kind of sick fucking trick?"

"Yes and no."

Carl pulled the knife from his belt.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"A trick, but not on you, _for_ you."

Carl's brow furrowed. "Why would it be for me?"

Remi sighed. "You're afraid of handling the truth, you always have. Ever since you promised yourself to stop crying during winter, but then it all went to shit when you had to kill your mother to stop her from turning. Since then you'd always have the assumption that you'd burst into tears at the drop of a hat when you thought you couldn't handle a situation. That's why you never talked about it with anyone, god forbid your own dad."

The teen visibly bristled, his hands balling into fists.

"Should I go on or do you get it now?"

"You…how could you?!" screamed Carl.

Remi raised an eyebrow. "Me? I didn't do this, I didn't start this – _you did_."

Carl closed his eye and stumbled backwards as realization hit him. He was losing his mind, he was going crazy just like his dad had gone back at the prison. Unable to support himself anymore, Carl felt his legs crumble underneath him making him sink to the ground.

"When…," Carl started his voice hoarse. "When did you start…Fuck, why did I want you? I didn't want you, I never did!"

"Of course you did," Remi argued, "you were lonely."

The teen blinked, "wha-…I wasn't lonely!"

"Everyone that you leaned on, that you truly leaned on, is dead! Shane, the man you looked up to even after your father came back. Sophia, a child such as yourself, she understood what you felt and you found her easiest to talk to. Dale was the perfect mediator for your problems, with any conflictions that you felt but didn't have the guts to tell your parents."

"That's not true!"

"Isn't it? Then why when people try to help you, you shut down? Hell, even Michonne gave you a free pass and the only way she got you to talk was to start talking about her and your dad fucking each other for the first time! You can't stop trusting these people Carl they're all you have left."

Carl breathed heavily. No words, just breathe. He tried to look up, but his bowed head remained.

"What I'm having a hard time figuring out is why you're making sure a big deal about it anyway," Remi mused. "You knew about _this_ all along."

There was silence. Carl felt his chest rise and fall with each heavy breath.

 _There is no one named Remi._

I know, Carl mentally responded. I knew.

He was scared that if he looked up Remi would be gone, his connection to Lyra would be gone.

From Carl, that was the main reason why he allowed Remi to form so vividly for him.

"You never did tell me where you are," he said side-glancing Remi.

With a bit of a playful smile she shrugged. "You'll do good kid."

Carl looked up in time to catch Remi turning ready to head off. Carl still in a dumbfounded state, he stepped forward. His body shuddered.

"Oh and Sophia says hi."

Carl started at her shocked, his jaw practically touching the ground.

"How did you-."

"So does Dale."

The teen tries to find words to say, but is unable to. Just as Remi turns the corner.

"What about Shane?"

Remi stopped. She turned and gave the teen a small smile.

"Don't worry, I'll take care of you _brother."_

He felt a sudden heavy pressure weigh down on his shoulders. Carl looked up to see Remi was gone. He looked this way and that hoping that she was going to be there but there was nothing but empty space.

"You say I shouldn't be alone!" Carl screamed into the air. "Then where the hell are you? Why did you leave me?!"

There was no answer as expected. Clutching his bruising side, the teen gripped the knife and continued on.

XXXXXX

Blood started to spill out of the cracks in the shoes. The red liquid stained the soles leaving an imprint on the leaves and sticks below with ever step. Ignoring his throbbing feet and stinging side, Carl reached up and grabbed a low hanging branch to keep balanced. Carl looked around making sure he was getting all his surroundings, though all it was was thick forestry.

It didn't matter if Remi was real or not. She knew the way to Hilltop (supposedly) and Carl did not (definitely). He tried to keep to the roads as much as possible, but stayed hidden just in case the silver truck came through again. There was something about the driver that rubbed Carl the wrong way he didn't like the Saviour's expression. All the Saviours he had seen and heard about wore permanent aggressive expressions. This one had a rather light expression for a Saviour, concentration was evident in his eyes but there was no sign of heavy aggression.

Carl continued to walk until he saw a reinforced fence. He rushed over feeling more liquid flow over his feet. He saw someone patrolling the perimeter. Trying his best to ignore the pain, Carl moved as fast as possible but running was impossible with his feet. Somehow he managed to get to the fence without collapsing but he gripped the linked fence tight. Carl pulled and pushed against the chains rattling it as loud and as hard as possible.

" _Hurrr…_ "

He looked over to see a walker coming towards him, its mouth agape as its broken arm swung at its side. Carl stepped back ready to take out his knife when a bullet popped through the back of its head sending gore splattering across the forest floor. Carl looked back to see the smoking muzzle pointed at him.

"Who are you?" the female patroller demanded.

"I'm looking for my dad," Carl managed through clenched teeth, everything was starting to hurt. The various parts of his body that were injured escaladed as if wanting his attention for itself. "My…my dad…Rick…."

The patroller shouted something but Carl couldn't hear it. He slowly started to recall a name that Remi had told him.

"Je…Jesus…. I need to-," Carl swallowed feeling blood crawl down his throat, he coughed. "I need to sp-."

The blood was pounding too heavy and thick in his ears, he tried to speak but his tongue wouldn't move just lolled in his mouth uselessly. He felt hands on him and a small collection of voices. One had a familiar accent to it. Doing the best he could, Carl tried to rise again but darkness edged his vision along with the accompaniment of fog in his mind. He blacked out.

XXXXXX

Carl's eye fluttered open. He could hear a couple voices. They were evenly spoken however it was clear one was a bit agitated. He took in a sharp breath feeling his chest expand and contract. He felt pain run through his feet that would stream into his legs, making them tingle a bit.

"…Dad…?"

Footsteps rushed over to the bedside and Carl felt a hand slip into his giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"It's alright Carl," Rick whispered, pressing his lips on his son's forehead. "You're back in Alexandria."

The teen let out a small groan feeling a migraine rush through his head. He looked past his dad to see Michonne leaned against the wall.

"… _I'll take care of you brother._ "

Carl swallowed and looked away. Rick turned back to Michonne who got the message and left without a word.

… _Brother…._

A breath escaped the teen's lips through tight teeth. Why? Why that way?

 _You were lonely._

Carl drew in a deep breath. Remi was gone - Lyra was gone; but she was still there, still alive. Wanting to think of something other than what was currently occupying his mind, Carl recalled the second Saviour attack. The people and-

"Carol…."

"Is fine," Rick finished calmly. "Her leg is healing up. I'm worried about you."

The teen bowed his head, the way out would try to avoid trouble. Rick gently tipped his son's chin up to see his eye.

"Daryl found you just outside of Hilltop's walls," the father explained, while his voice strong Carl saw an underlining of pain in Rick's eyes. "You were mumbling a couple times in the car."

Carl felt blush rise in his face.

"I…I was…? What did I say?"

Rick bit his lip, "you called for Remi once than something else I think it was another name."

 _Must've being Lyra…._

"What happened?" Rick asked.

"I went looking for you," Carl answered carefully. "I…remember coming up to Hilltop, but nothing much after that."

Rick nodded thoughtfully. He looked over to see Carl give a nervous swallow. The father watched closely, seeing his son starting to shut down again.

 _You were lonely._

I was, Carl mentally answered, but not anymore.

Rick slips his hand into his son's. Carl leans in feeling tears well and he hugs his father.

"There's this girl..."

* * *

A/N: _Part two of Anamnesis_ _**Till the End**_ _will be up next week sometime and will contain Lyra's story. Thanks to everyone who faved, followed and reviewed **Words I Never Said**. Spitfire47_


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